Dissatisfied and Annoyed

Dear Dr. Lottie,
Recently I advertised for an event through a mailbox leaflets company who deliver to suburbs around Melbourne.
After the event was over and the number of people enquiring about the event wasn’t what I thought it would be, I asked around and found that many people in neighboring areas didn’t receive anything.
I am a bit frustrated by this and I wondering if you have any advice for future advertising.
Signed Dissatisfied and Annoyed

Dear Dissatisfied and Annoyed,
Firstly, are you unaware that I am a medical professional and not a business advisor?

But if you are pursuing an opinion, unquestionably I will be on hand to propose one.

My husband the Professor is quite competent in the profession of letterbox delivery and I often send him off before the sun rises with his perambulator to deliver countless pieces of advertising material.

Unfortunately not all are as diligent as the Professor, or have the consequences set in place if not distributed adequately.

After giving it some thought, I alleged that if you were to witness an interesting television program called “TODAY TONIGHT” filled with articles of complaining “ripped off” citizens such as yourself, possibly you could put pen to paper and inform them of your woes.
Certainly they would be more interested than one such person, such as myself, who is a member of the medical profession.

Thank you for your irritable letter.
Dr Lottie.

Fleeing and Flustered

Dear Dr. Lottie,
My husband has just lost his job.
Apart from loss of income, I am faced with a dilemma that I am hoping you can help me with. I now have my husband at home 24/7. Apart from him rushing to the phone each time it rings, him hanging around bored all day, making snacks and leaving a mess, he has delighted in the fact that having our children away at school all day he can have his way with me whenever he chooses.
I am an exhausted mess!
What can I do?
Signed Fleeing and Flustered.

Dear Fleeing and Flustered,
It appears that you are mere prey for the eternal hungry beast that lies within the depths of your husband’s requirements.

By no means should you allow this to continue, as there will be no food on the table and no roof over your head.
A man’s role in life is to work all week long to support his family.
On conclusion of this 6-day period (if he is lucky) he may or may not receive some gratification.
To expect unwarranted jiggy jiggy without the production of any such effort is immoral.

When the Professor retired, I immediately changed the locks on the door and he has remained in the garden shed ever since.
My suggestion to you is to remove his house key from his key ring, have his lunch packed along with the children’s and subsequent to school drop off will be unable to renter the residence or anything else in his way.

Other than that, you could try two crushed sleeping tablets in his morning coffee.

Thank you for your pursued letter.
Dr Lottie.

Hysterical and Hallucinogenic

Dear Dr Lottie,

I wonder if you may have some expert advice for me.
I seem to be in a flurry every second of the day, rushing here, rushing there, sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I look like the Tasmanian Devil on a Bugs Bunny Cartoon.
My mind a race, my jaw is clenched, my teeth grind and my left eye constantly has an infuriating flitter.
Is there something I can do to help with my intense madness?

Signed Hysterical and Hallucinogenic.

Dear Hysterical and Hallucinogenic,

It seems to me that you are living life in the fast lane.
Do you drink a lot of coffee?
I have heard there is a very relaxing drink call “Red Bull” maybe you should try substituting this for your daily intake of caffeine.
Stay clear of the mirror and all will be sunny.

Thank you for your manic letter.
Dr Lottie.

Old and Decrepit

Dear Dr Lottie, I have just turned 40 and feel as old as the hills.
Do you have any tips for turning back the hands of time?

Signed Old and Decrepit.

Dear Old and Decrepit, Yes 40 is really old, I mean really really really, really old, I don’t think there is much hope for you now.
It might be worth trying to get yourself onto one of those reality extreme makeover shows they have on TV these days. At least they will be able to make you look a bit more attractive.
It is all down hill from now on.

Thank you for your depressing letter,
Dr Lottie.

Flu Infested and Drab

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I have heard so many wonderful things about how dancing is so good for your health, dancing keeps you young, dancing keeps you fit, dancing keeps you motivated and happy.
I am wondering if these health benefits that you gain from dancing extend to helping you fight off the flu? I have been ill in bed for three days and I am wondering if I were to go to a dance class that it might make me well.
Signed Flu Infested and Drab.

Dear Flu Infested and Drab,
No of course it will not make you well, are you a fool as well as a flu-infested pheasant? The only thing that it will do is pass on your filthy germs to all the others in the class. Stay home and stop your moaning.

Thank you for your wretched letter.
Dr Lottie.

Ashamed and Maimed

Dear Dr. Lottie,
Lately I have been feeling a little unfit and decided to take up a long lost hobby that I did when I was a young filly over twenty five years ago, horse riding.
I booked myself into have a riding lesson at the local equestrian centre where I was to be assessed as to what my level would be and be placed in a riding group.
I gave it a good go, everything started to come back to me, I cantered around the arena, popped over a jump or two, and I felt wonderful!
Until I dismounted, as my feet touched the ground, my legs gave way leaving me trembling in the middle of the riding arena!
Embarrassed, I struggled onto my jellified legs and wobbled my way back to the stables.
I haven’t been able to move my legs for three days! I fear I am over the hill and out to pasture. Am I starting too late in life?

Signed Ashamed and Maimed.

Dear Ashamed and Maimed,
This is a completely normal reaction from your body when coming back to an exercise that you haven’t participated in, in over quarter of a century.
You are not getting any younger you know. Your body is out of shape. What on earth were you thinking?
I am positive that it is far too late in life to get back into the saddle. Have you ever thought of taking up knitting?

Thank you for your long in the tooth letter.
Dr Lottie.

Frustrated in Flannelette

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I am a happily married woman with two adorable children.
Recently, I have fallen madly in love with a younger man.
Unfortunately this younger man that I have fallen for in unattainable.
Firstly, he is in a Rock band so he has young girls throwing themselves at him day and night.
Secondly, he has a girlfriend.
Thirdly I am 42 years old and obviously not as attractive to him as the younger girls.
The other night, whilst my husband was away, he called me on my mobile, I thought that he might have been calling to speak to me and invite me out for a drink with him.
But he was only after another phone number. I was devastated.

Please Dr. Lottie, do you have any suggestions for this unrequited love?
Signed Frustrated in Flannelette.

Dear Frustrated in Flannelette,
You really have an incredibly complex problem.
Unreciprocated love is a very difficult dilemma to face.
My suggestion to you is to let him know that you care, following my suggestions, you can prove your love to him.
Find out where he lives and linger outside his house.
Take photos of him when ever possible.
Go to all of his performances and remain outside, when he appears after the show, bounce out from behind a bush and say “Surprise!”
If he is in a limousine, lie on the hood or kiss the window.
Send him multiple text messages as you have his number in your phone.
Send him perfumed letters, emotive emails and photos of yourself in lingerie.
You could consider starting a website dedicated to him.
My suggestion to you is that you cannot be subtle in your approach; you need to let him know you exist.

Thank you for your desperate letter,
Dr Lottie.

Hungry and Hobbling

Dear Dr. Lottie,
Recently I had surgery on both of my feet. The night I came home from the hospital, I was a little delirious to say the least and was wheeled from the car to the bed in a wheelchair.
Lying in bed, starving from fasting all day I thought to myself, “ I wonder if per chance there may be little dinner coming my way?”
Right on cue, my husband waltzed through the door with an enormous bowl of pasta and a chilled glass of wine. I was so relieved and thankful, smiling I said “Thank you, how wonderful!” He quickly corrected me saying that it was for himself!
Then sitting on the bed next to me with an enormous mouthful of spaghetti he mumbled, “Tell me when you are hungry”. I said without delay, “I’m hungry”. And thinking I was being terribly funny he chuckled into his dinner saying, “No really, tell me when you are hungry”. I replied, “I’m hungry!”
After finishing his dinner he brought me in something to eat and then proceeded to fall asleep on the couch, leaving me to get the children to bed.
Do you think this is ground for divorce?
Signed Hungry and Hobbling.

Dear Hungry and Hobbling,
I think divorce is probably a little drastic there are far better ways of getting back at your husband than divorcing him and fleecing him for all he is worth.
Hold onto your anger and wait until the next time when he has come down with “The Man Flu”. Wait till he is lying in bed with a fever, delirious and feeble. Then quietly spend good half hour getting all freshened up. Perfumed, powdered and with your brand new matching sexy underwear, pounce on him and demand from him all that you are worth.

Thank you for your neglected letter.
Dr Lottie.

Waxy and Mortified

Dear Dr Lottie,
I have an excess earwax problem, every time I go to my tap dancing classes, as I get hot, my ear wax starts to melt and oozes out of my ears.
It is quite embarrassing and really messy.
Do you have any suggestions Dr. Lottie?

Signed Waxy and Mortified.

Dear Waxy and Mortified,
You have possibly the worst and most discomforting problem I have ever come across.
Could you try wearing a towel draped over your shoulders whilst dancing, this may be an effective way to collect the flow as you heat up.

Thank you for your disconcerting letter,
Dr Lottie.

Wet and Pursued

Dear Dr Lottie,
I have been practicing my tap dancing in the shower as it makes a nice slappy sound with my bare feet in the water.
The only problem is that my husband thinks that it is a mating ritual and when he hears my slappy wet feet tapping, he immediately strips off and leaps into the shower with me.
I am fearing that I am not getting enough practice and may not know my tap dancing steps well enough to dance at the end of year Explosion.
Signed Wet and Pursued.

Dear Wet and Pursued,
This truly is an interesting problem.
My advice is to try showering with your clothes on.

Thank you for your food-for-thought letter,
Dr Lottie.

Perplexed and Mystified

Dear Dr Lottie,
Recently I read an article with Angelina (Jolie) where she stated that she was actually a man.
I am very confused as I thought that she was pregnant to Brad (Pitt)?
How could this possibly be? We all know that Men cant conceive!

Signed Perplexed and Mystified.

Dear Perplexed and Mystified,
You must never believe anything you read in the Media as they tend to distort the truth.
But in this case i think the cat is out of the bag, of course she is a man, why would she adopt all those children?

Thank you for your gullible letter,
Dr Lottie.

Dr. Lottie Relaxing with a Sherry