Hesitant and Precautious

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I am a very keen dancer and have heard Australia’s Got Talent has been auditioning for their new season’s show.
Do you think I should audition?
Signed Hesitant and Precautious.

Dear Hesitant and Precautious,
My immediate thought is, are you talented?
It is one thing to be a keen dancer, but frankly, do you have the talent to perform in front of an audience and on National Television?
The Professor and myself are fervent dancers and were personally asked by the show to come along and audition.
We instantaneously declined.
But in the past months of hounding and constant phone calls, we accepted their offer to audition. It was strictly on our terms of course.
Unfortunately the weekend prior the audition, we were Big Wave Surfing in Hawaii.
Astride the Jet Ski, towing the Professor out toward the waves, I observed a rather hefty wave approaching from “out the back” (Surfer lingo for a wave further out.)
I summoned to the Professor that he should watch himself, as what was coming was a doozey.
But being the strong-willed idiotic fellow that he is, he climbed aboard the 40-foot wave and away he went.
Subsequently he was relaxing amongst the coral and failed appear for half and hour.
To cut a long story short, his back went into involuntary muscle contraction and was bed ridden for the entire week. Consequently we were forced to abandon our Audition.

I was relatively disappointed, hence the Professor being banished to the garden shed as soon as he could stand.

Thank you for your uneasy letter.
Dr Lottie.

Agitated and Unsightly

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I am preparing for our end of year concert, I am a little anxious as feel I want to look and dance my best.
Do you have any secret beauty or performance tips for me?
Signed Agitated and Unsightly.

Dear Agitated and Unsightly,
I am mildly flattered with your unfortunate letter.
But, you have come to the right person as I am a woman with a wealth of knowledge when it comes to dance and performance.
The Professor and I have been performing for many years at the local RSL and Elderly Citizens Club.

Firstly, make sure you have a good bath and put on some deodorant. It’s ghastly dancing next to someone who reeks.

Secondly, get yourself some decent foundation, at least 4 shades darker than your natural skin tone. Pack it on densely and evenly. This will give you a nice healthy appearance on stage.

Lastly, make sure you are warmed up before going on stage, whether it’s a shot of whiskey or a few laps around the theatre.
The professor is always going on and on and on about stretching and vocal warm ups, he does enough chit chatting for twenty elderly women.
Personally I prefer a swift nip and away we go.

Thank you for your amateur letter.
Dr Lottie.

Eager and Expectant

Dear Dr. Lottie,
At the Glittery Tapping Wonderland’s Concert last year I remember you performed an electrifying Hip Hop routine with your husband The Professor.
Will you be performing this year?
I am in suspense as it is always extremely fascinating to see your expertise in the art of dance.
Signed Eager and Expectant.

Dear Eager and Expectant,

I am exceptionally pleased to inform you that the Professor and I have been occupied on an item for the recital.
Considering that we excelled in all forms of The Hip Hop, The Breaking, The Locking and such, we decided to spend our time this year perfecting a new technique.
As this year’s the Concert Theme is “You are Dreaming”, the Professor and I assessed that we needed to express an internal yearning that we have always dreamed being staged.
I am positive you will be enthralled with our achievements.

Thank you for your over-enthusiastic letter.
Dr Lottie.

Easily Amused

Dear Dr. Lottie,

I was wondering if you might be dancing in the Glittery Tapping Wonderland concert this year?

I have seen you dancing at previous concerts with your husband and it has always been an interesting experience.

Signed Easily Amused.

Dear Easily Amused,

This is a somewhat interesting letter as typically I am asked queries referring to health matters.

I hope that when you mention that when observing our piece at the concert as an “interesting experience” that it has also been an enjoyable one.

Whether you ask in jest or not, The professor and I have already commenced choreography on the item for the concert.

After being relatively inspired by the television program “So you think you can dance” The Professor and I have been attending an extracurricular dance program in which we are experiencing classes in the Contemporary dance as well as the Hip-Hop syllabus.

We have found the Hip Hop module a little finicky, especially with all the youngies, but we are adapting moderately well to this remarkable new style of dance.

Which, if you are unfamiliar with this hip-hop style; as I used to be; it refers to the social or choreographed styles primarily danced to the hip-hop music or that have evolved as part of the hip-hop culture.

This includes a wide range of styles notably “The Breaking” “The Locking” and “The Popping” which were developed in the 1970s by African and Latino Americans.

The Professor is somewhat enjoying the Popping and the Locking constituent of this style, where as I have immersed myself in the Breaking component.

I think this year you will be more than just easily amused at our recital.

Thank you for your contemptuous letter.
Dr Lottie.

Freaked out and Fretting

Dear Dr Lottie,
I have an end of year concert coming up with my dancing school and I am starting to feel extremely nervous about it all.
The fact is, that on Monday I have to give a lecture in front of 700 people which doesn’t phase me in the slightest, but dancing at the concert is freaking me out!
What can I do to help with my nervousness?
Signed Freaked out and Fretting.

Dear Freaked out and Fretting,
Most performers get nervous prior to opening night.
Nerves are a good thing.
They give you diarrhea and help you lose weight!

Thank you for your self-deprecating letter.
Dr Lottie.

Flu Infested and Drab

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I have heard so many wonderful things about how dancing is so good for your health, dancing keeps you young, dancing keeps you fit, dancing keeps you motivated and happy.
I am wondering if these health benefits that you gain from dancing extend to helping you fight off the flu? I have been ill in bed for three days and I am wondering if I were to go to a dance class that it might make me well.
Signed Flu Infested and Drab.

Dear Flu Infested and Drab,
No of course it will not make you well, are you a fool as well as a flu-infested pheasant? The only thing that it will do is pass on your filthy germs to all the others in the class. Stay home and stop your moaning.

Thank you for your wretched letter.
Dr Lottie.

Un-Prepared and Out-Of-Practice

Dear Dr Lottie,

I am in a very desperate position, I hope you can give me some helpful advice.
I attend a tap dancing class once a week, I love it so much, but when I try to practice at home, my hysterical kelpie goes crazy. She stands on her hind legs, yelping and leaping at me, tearing my tights and scratching my legs.

I have tried locking her outside, but she races around the garden and digs up my herbs.
I have tried locking her in another room, but she yaps and leaps at the door scratching the paintwork.

I am driven to distraction and I need to practice! Do you have any suggestions?

Signed Un-Prepared and Out-Of-Practice.

Dear Un-Prepared and Out-Of-Practice,

It sounds to me as though your psychotic dog either enjoys or detests the sound of tap dancing.
Maybe you could try fitting her out with a pair of tap shoes.

You could work up and act; I hear Silvers Circus is auditioning new acts this month.

Thank you for your neurotic letter.
Dr Lottie.

Nervous Wreck

Dear Dr Lottie,
My Tap Dancing School is getting ready for its end of year Concert. I am incredibly nervous, my hands don’t stop shaking and I have broken out in hives. What can I do?
Signed Nervous Wreck.

Dear Nervous Wreck,
No need to stress out of performing. I have an answer that will help you every step of the way with any public appearances.
I often use this if I have a tricky operation, or have to speak at a seminar on Brain Surgery.
Stop into your local Bottle shop and buy a bottle of the best Vodka, Just before you have go on stage drink half the bottle mixed with a little cranberry juice.
It works a treat for those shakes and you can finish the bottle once you come off stage.

Thank you for your timid letter,
Dr Lottie.

Waxy and Mortified

Dear Dr Lottie,
I have an excess earwax problem, every time I go to my tap dancing classes, as I get hot, my ear wax starts to melt and oozes out of my ears.
It is quite embarrassing and really messy.
Do you have any suggestions Dr. Lottie?

Signed Waxy and Mortified.

Dear Waxy and Mortified,
You have possibly the worst and most discomforting problem I have ever come across.
Could you try wearing a towel draped over your shoulders whilst dancing, this may be an effective way to collect the flow as you heat up.

Thank you for your disconcerting letter,
Dr Lottie.

Wet and Pursued

Dear Dr Lottie,
I have been practicing my tap dancing in the shower as it makes a nice slappy sound with my bare feet in the water.
The only problem is that my husband thinks that it is a mating ritual and when he hears my slappy wet feet tapping, he immediately strips off and leaps into the shower with me.
I am fearing that I am not getting enough practice and may not know my tap dancing steps well enough to dance at the end of year Explosion.
Signed Wet and Pursued.

Dear Wet and Pursued,
This truly is an interesting problem.
My advice is to try showering with your clothes on.

Thank you for your food-for-thought letter,
Dr Lottie.

Fidgety and Frustrated

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I am a mere child of 10 years old, who loves to dance.
Recently I have been quarantined with dreaded swine flu and I am unable to go to school, let alone go to my wonderful dancing classes.

I am itching to dance, do you have any suggestions of what I can do to do to get well and back to dancing?

Signed Fidgety and Frustrated.

Dear Fidgety and Frustrated,
You poor disease riddled boar.
My suggestion to you is to fly to Mexico where this hideous pandemic originated from and give them back some of their gruesome disease.
As for your dancing, maybe you could practice your chasse turns down the aisle of the plane.

Thank you for your ailing letter.
Dr Lottie.

Black and Blue

Dear Dr. Lottie,
On Saturday I participated in a dance class called “Tap Boot Camp”, it was fabulous, the class was really hard work and a slightly different style to what I learn with my not-so-normal teacher.
I was really getting into the steps, but I accidentally smashed one of my tap shoes into the ankle of my other foot. I find this happens often and my ankles are always covered in bruises.
Is there anything I can do to prevent such a painful outcome to such a pleasurable pastime?
Signed Black and Blue.

Dear Black and Blue,
You are experiencing a disease that is commonly known as “Tanglefoot”.
This is a widespread Disease and is frequented by people who are extremely uncoordinated.
There are a couple of ways to prevent this disorder of bruising to the ankle.
Primarily you could give up your Tap dancing classes.
Secondarily, you could bend one leg at the knee and strap it to the back of your thigh, dance the class on one leg.
This could become a tiring for the leg that is being used, so I suggest swapping legs when the first leg starts to feel weak.

Thank you for your clumsy letter,
Dr Lottie.

Erroneous and Illusive

Dear Dr Lottie,
I feeling incredibly frazzled and quite panicked this week I and I hope that you can help me.
I have recently joined a dancing school and to be part of their “Inner Sanctum” “The Fashionable Clique” “The In Crowd” you need to have your tap shoes “Glitterized”, which will be carried out this coming Saturday at their ritualistic “Glitterization Day”.
I spent a few precious moments requesting expert advice on colour choices for green tap shoes with “The Glamour Guru” “The Tapping Top Dog ” “The Sparkling Sufi” and her prestigious Highness-ness-ness waved her incense and murmured “For glamorous green glittery tap shoes you need Key Lime and Lemon”.
With that, I rushed all over Melbourne from one shop to another desperately searching for the mystical Key Lime and Lemon.
Every fruit shop I have asked at have never heard of Key Lime. Luckily I have a Lemon tree and have carefully selected the most perfect Lemon from its bows.

But now I am insane with despair as I am at a loss with this thing called Key Lime.
Dr. Lottie what can I do?
Signed Erroneous and Illusive.

Dear Erroneous and Illusive,
Get a grip on yourself you are obviously in a lather over an issue that is so incredibly unimportant in the scheme of things.
If you had been in a tranquil state of mind and paid attention to your “Sparkling Sufi’s” “guidance” you might have heard correctly. Your so-called “Glamour Guru” was obviously talking about the colour of the glitter you needed to purchase, not some sacred, majestic fruit!

Thank you for your irrational letter.
Dr Lottie.

Clunky and Shamed

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I suffer from a problem, which is known to many as “Knocked Knees”.
Having been born with this problem I am have made adjustments to my life and resigned to the fact that I can never wear mini skirts.
But since joining my new Tap Dancing class, I find that when I dance, my knees clunk together.
My teacher is forever yelling at me, telling me to pick up my feet, to stop being so lazy as she thinks that the extra clamor is coming from my feet.
Please Dr. Lottie, do you have any suggestions to this unfortunate problem I am facing?

Signed Clunky and Shamed

Dear Clunky and Shamed,
This is a highly ill-fated dilemma.
My suggestion to you is to wear the shortest mini skirt you can lay your hands and knees upon and wear it to you next Tap Dancing class.
Bravely show off your phenomenal defect, hopefully your Tap Dancing teacher will notice where the noise is emanating from and get off your case.
Alternatively you could give up Tap Dancing altogether.

Thank you for your clattering letter.
Dr Lottie.

Itchy and Irritated

Dear Dr Lottie,
I have a continuing problem that maybe you could help me with.
Each time I go to my Tap Dancing class, my feet itch, it drives me to distraction and I cant concentrate on my new steps.
Do you have any expert advice?
Signed Itchy and Irritated.

Dear Itchy and Irritated,
Why in Heavens name don’t you just scratch them?

Thank you for your dissatisfying letter,
Dr. Lottie.

Confounded and Distraught

Dear Dr. Lottie,

I have just found out that my dancing school has decided not to put on their annual concert at the end of the year.

I am greatly upset as I look forward to this event for the entire year.

Instead they are going to have a party for their adult students (like myself) where we can invite family and friends along, drink champagne, dress up in costumes and perform dance routines that we have been working on during the year.

It all sounds quite good on paper, but what about the excitement of being on the stage, the lights, the smell of the grease paint and the backstage antics of champagne and frivolity.

How can I overcome my devastation of not performing?

Signed Confounded and Distraught.

Dear Confounded and Distraught,

Get over it and get on with it.

Are you not going to perform at the party? And drunk no doubt, it is most likely a good thing that they have changed the format of their concert for folk like you who like to drink and dance. It may save you a trip in an ambulance to the hospital with a broken leg from falling from the stage.

And as for the grease paint, the professor and I will most definitely be performing at the dance school’s end of year party, where there will be grease paint a plenty.

Thank you for your pathetic, complaint filled letter,
Dr Lottie.

Fearful and Hesitant

Dear Dr. Lottie,
Last weekend the dancing school that I attend had their rehearsal for our annual end of year concert. It went really well and it was fun getting on the stage and having a practice. Unfortunately I found a few problems were holding back my performance.
Firstly, my shoes kept slipping off my feet.
Secondly, I couldn’t remember which way to go as there was no mirror in front of me as I am used to dancing in front of the mirror at the dance studio.
And thirdly, my wig kept falling off.
Do have any expert advice or performance tips for me? As I know that you are very at ease on the stage.
Signed Fearful and Hesitant.

Dear Fearful and Hesitant,
Do you not have any common sense? A person who has very little rationality could only write these questions.
Firstly, double-sided tape for your shoes will keep your shoes from falling off. An old trick I use when dancing with the Professor.
Simply apply the tape to the inside of the shoe, when you are ready to perform, peel of the plastic layer and slide your foot into the shoe.
Secondly, dancing in front of the mirror can be an asset or a hindrance. In this case I feel it’s a hindrance and therefore I suggest dancing with your eyes closed.
Thirdly, a loose wig is an unhappy sight. Have you ever heard of the term bobby pin?
Alternatively Miss Lou Lou has placed several invaluable tips on her website that maybe of some use to you. https://glitterytappingwonderland.com/tips/

Thank you for your illogical letter,
Dr Lottie.

Troubled and Distracted

Dear Dr. Lottie,
Lately my Tap Dancing class has not been as enjoyable as it usually is. The reason for this is because I keep getting placed to a woman who recites all the tap dancing steps as she is dancing them.
For instance, if we are dancing across the room with two Glides and four Hit Springs, this particular woman pants out “Glide – Glide – Hit Spring – Hit Spring – Hit Spring – Hit Spring.” In the puffiest, most sweatiest voice.
I find it so incredibly distracting as she is chatting to herself extremely loudly the entire class. I am not sure what to do, as I don’t want to hurt her feeling by being placed next to some else.
Do you have any suggestions Dr. Lottie?

Signed Troubled and Distracted.

 

Dear Troubled and Distracted,
It seems to me that you are a little bit self-absorbed within your dance class. Part of dance lessons is about being part of a group and getting along with all involved.
Last week I suggested a decrepit old horse rider to take up knitting, but this I feel would be the wrong suggestion for you. One pearl, one Plain might drive yourself or whoever is sitting next to you around the twist.

My suggestion to you is to just get on with it and stop your moaning, she is probably having the time of her life, she may not be speaking to herself, she may be offering help that you don’t realize you need because you are so self absorbed.

Thank you for your irritable letter.
Dr Lottie.

Bowed and Broken

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I am wondering if you have a solution to my disheartening problem…
Recently I reluctantly retired from many, many years of riding the range rounding cattle and breaking-in wild Brumbies.
Lonely and dispassionate I hunted down a new form of exercise and took up Tap Dancing.
When I saw myself in the unflattering mirrors I came to notice that my knees were permanently some distance apart.
Not only is it very disconcerting to observe my stature in the mirror, but the wind howls between my legs as I Glide across the room.
How can I create a more elegant Glide and a sleeker line?

Signed Bowed and Broken.

Dear Bowed and Broken,
This is an exceedingly wretched dilemma.
I feel the only thing that i can suggest for you is to take up Tunnel-Ball.

Thank you for your howling letter.
Dr Lottie.

Anxious and Apprehensive

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I am getting ready for my annual end of year concert with my dancing school.
I am rather excited, but at the same time and I am terribly nervous.
Last year when the curtain opened and the music started, my mouth went completely dry, I couldn’t
swallow, breathe, or move my legs.
It wasn’t until somebody elbowed me in the ribs did I start dancing.
Is there any managing to this impossible problem?

Signed Anxious and Apprehensive.

Dear Anxious and Apprehensive,
It sounds to me that you are suffering from intense stage fright.
This is quite a common occurrence amongst amateurs and even seasoned
performers.
Stage fright is often confused with lack of talent and in your case your
wouldn’t want to be “Given the Hook” and be dragged off stage.
In the days of Vaudeville very bad acts were hooted vehemently and, when the
boos reached a peak, the manager would reach out from the wings with a long
pole bearing a hook at the end and unceremoniously jerk the ham out of the
limelight.
I don’t expect your dance school would go to such extreme measures, but my
advice to you is that you should get it together before going on stage.

Thank you for your amateur letter,
Dr Lottie.

Liquid and Rancid

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I have a recurring problem where, when I dance in the heat, a river of sweat builds within the depths of my bazoombas. Sometimes I can’t hear myself tap over the sound of rushing water.
Do you have any fail safe advice on this matter?

Signed Liquid and Rancid.

Dear Liquid and Rancid,
Since we are in the middle of a severe drought and that water restrictions are now at stage 3, any water is a precious commodity.
I suggest that you unleash your torrent of perspiration on the garden at the front door as you leave.

Thank you for your stifling letter.
Dr Lottie.

Sodden and Saturated

Dear Dr. Lottie,
What I would like to know is why some people sweat more than others.
Some people; such as myself; get lathered in sweat, I have beads of water running down my cheeks, my hair plastered down, my tee shirt stuck to my back with enormous wet stains under my armpits, whilst others don’t even seem to form the slightest whisper of moisture on their brow?
I am curious to know and I hope you can shed some light on this unsound situation for me.
Signed Sodden and Saturated.

Dear Sodden and Saturated,
I have had quite a few letters recently about sweat.
This must be a very interesting subject to some.
I am curious if it is actually “you” that you are writing to me about, or, are you being discreet about another stinky, sweaty person that you are forced to dance next to in a Dance class??
Unfortunately I cannot shed any light on the answer to your question, as i have never suffered from such an unfortunate problem.

Thank you for your baffling letter.
Dr Lottie.

Nervous and Naked

Dear Dr. Lottie,
My younger Brother and his Fiancé are getting married in two weeks time and have asked me to Dance at their wedding.
I am happy to do so, but unfortunately I have been lying to my family about my profession and the only type of dance routine I can perform is one where I leap out of a cake and strip down to a G-String.
Do you think it is appropriate to perform a dance as such at my younger brothers wedding?
Signed Nervous and Naked.

Dear Nervous and Naked,
This really is an interesting situation, I am sure you are as well trained at your dancing as are with your lying.
I feel you should leave the unveiling of the truth until the night of the wedding and leap out of the cake.
It may kill off a few of the Grandparents in the room but it would sure make nice surprise!

Thank you for your revealing letter.
Dr Lottie.

Chafed and Comfortless

Dear Dr Lottie,
I have a recurring problem that I am hoping you can help me with.
I attend tap dancing classes on a Tuesday evening and every single time, without fail, when we practice our Time Steps, my underwear rides way, way up.
It is a very annoying and uncomfortable problem and I feel extremely embarrassed and exceedingly conspicuous if I attempt to adjust them as we are dancing in front of enormous mirrors.
I have tried several types of underwear from seamless to boy leg, bikini brief and even
non-bikini brief.
Do you have a solution to this very excruciating problem?

Signed Chafed and Comfortless.

Dear Chafed and Comfortless,
Have you tried not wearing any underwear?
The Professor swears by it.

Thank you for your agonizing letter.
Dr Lottie.

Noisy and Embarrassed

Dear Dr Lottie,
Every time I go to my tap dancing classes, my false teeth clack uncontrollably, do you have any suggestions for this unfortunate problem?
Signed Noisy and Embarrassed.

Dear Noisy and Embarrassed,
I feel your noisy habit shouldn’t be such a problem as there is bound to be a lot of clacking in a tap dancing class. My advice is to be brave and let your teeth clack in rhythm with your feet. Say it loud, I clack and I’m proud!

Thank you for your boisterous letter.
Dr Lottie.

Alone and Frustrated

Dear Dr Lottie,
Every time I practice my tap dancing, my dog starts to howl. What can I do ?
Signed Alone and Frustrated.

Dear Alone and Frustrated,
Don’t practice.

Thank you for your disturbed letter.
Dr Lottie.

Tired and Confused

Dear Dr Lottie,
When I come home from tap dancing classes I have trouble getting to sleep that night.
Do you have any sleeping tips to help me calm down after dancing?

Signed Tired and Confused.

Dear Tired and Confused,
The obvious advice to give you here would be not to go to Tap Dancing, but I do have a little trick that helps me get to sleep of an evening.
Once you are in bed, get in your most comfortable position, snuggle in, get really cozy.
Now imagine you are on an enormous Jumbo jet flying across the ocean, to a far away land.
Start to imagine that you are at the back of the plane, the second last seat, middle row. You have two very large drunk and hairy grandmothers sitting either side you. The people sitting behind you are playing snap on the tray table attached to the back of your seat. The light won’t switch off above you, the air vent won’t switch on.
Grandma number one has stolen your pillow, grandma number two has stolen your blanket and they are both asleep with their faces pointed toward you and snoring loudly.
Forty two hours to go and the seat won’t lay back.
Now quietly say to yourself “I wish I were at home in my nice warm bed, hang on a minute, I am!”
You will be so happy that you are not on that flight that you will be asleep in a flash.

Thank you for your vigilant letter.
Dr Lottie.

Dr Lottie at the Lowrie Organ