Family Health Advice By Dr. Lottie.

Puzzled, Perplexed and slightly Bothered

Dear Dr. Lottie,
My 12 year old daughter is obsessed with the pop idol Justin Bieber.
Recently I took her to his concert and she spent the entire time crying. She cries when she sees him on the TV, she cries when she hears him on the radio.
Is there a cure for Bieber Fever?
Signed Puzzled, Perplexed and slightly Bothered.

Dear Puzzled, Perplexed and slightly Bothered,
I heard there is quite a decent epidemic of the Bieber Fever going around.
I am somewhat confounded as to how this whole disease came about in the first place.
The Professor is convinced it was initiated on the Information Super Highway, and spread to a global pandemic.
As for treatment, I believe a good dose of cod liver oil should do the trick

Thank you for your perturbed letter.
Dr Lottie.

Delayed and Discouraged

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I have an interesting problem I wonder if you could help me with.
I have two young sons, and every single time, with out fail, we go to the supermarket, to Southland, to Bunnings, they desperately need to find a bathroom to do number 2’s.
It makes matters worse when the toilets are difficult to find, or they are situated in an annoying place where you have to wait for seemingly hours in a cold and draughty hallway.
My entire school holidays have been a vacuum of waiting sent to test my patience. Do you have any suggestions?
Signed Delayed and Discouraged.

Dear Delayed and Discouraged,
Firstly, what in the light of day are you feeding those children?
I have heard of high fibre diets, but it sounds to me like you are serving your children enormous portions of wood shavings!
Why do you not leave them at home with your husband?

Thank you for your excessive letter.
Dr Lottie.

Concerned and Mystified

Dear Dr. Lottie,
We have adopted a new dog from the RSPCA, she is very cute and happy to be a new caring home, but every time we take her out for a walk somewhere new she does a strange coughing sound.
Do you think she is suffering from anxiety?
Signed Concerned and Mystified.

Dear Concerned and Mystified,
Do you think that my profession is that of a Veterinarian? How in the devils name would I know, it sounds to me as though your dog maybe suffering from neurotic owner disorder.

Thank you for your preposterous letter.
Dr Lottie.

Psychiatrically Disordered and Mentally Unstable

Dear Dr. Lottie,
Recently I went to IKEA to buy a new bed. This seems like an easy task to most, but I am writing to you because it was the most stressful event I have ever had in my entire life and I am wondering if I am over-reacting.
Foolishly I thought you could simply order a bed and have it delivered. But I was wrong.
After finding the bed in the enormous rabbit warren, I needed to write down a series of aisle numbers and product codes so that I could locate it in the pick up area, then order a mattress, collect a receipt and make my way through the entire store to where I would pick up the pieces for the bed.

Stupidly I had picked up two rugs on my travels and as there was no trolley’s in sight, I had to drag them through the store.
I reached the trolley station, exhausted; I placed the rugs on the trolley. I started to search out the aisle numbers and product codes, insanely frazzled, I asked for help from an IKEA worker!
This assistant must have been born with no insides, as his face and body were limp as waved his hand in a vague direction toward the pieces to be put on the trolley. They were huge. No assistance was offered from the jellyfish as I struggled with them. Then I had to get the mattress! How?

Fighting back tears I asked the limp rag how to get the mattress and how do I push two trolleys? He said I had to pay for everything first and then pick up the mattress from over there; he vaguely waved a limp arm toward the west.
Standing in a cue with thousands of happy customers, I waited. Finally I am ready to pay, I open my purse and to my horror, my credit card is missing! My eyes instantly rolled into the back of my head, I rummaged through my bag and couldn’t find anything useful except a cheque book. This could be used, but I had to go to another counter. The tick in my left eye started to grow more intense as I pushed the trolley over to another counter.

All paid up I put the receipt into my wallet and headed to the next counter for the mattress. They needed the receipt. Why don’t I empty my wallet occasionally? I couldn’t find the receipt, so I spread all the receipts out all over the counter and suggested to the new limp sea creature that he should find the receipt. Finally the mattress is wheeled out and I push two enormous trolleys over to the home delivery counter.

It seems like the tragedy is almost over until the rugs need to be removed from underneath the pile of bed frame. Why, why, it’s all too much!
I find another trolley for the rugs and after paying cash and leaving my mobile phone number for them to be able to contact me for delivery, I leave the bed and mattress and push the trolley with my rugs out the front door. Fresh air, I am free!
But no, I had to leave my trolley at the trolley station; you can’t push the trolley into the car park. Take this ticket.
Twitch, twitch went my eye as I wiped the froth from the corners of my mouth and walked towards the car park, validate my parking ticket, no please don’t make me go back in there.
I won’t go. I wont validate.
I got into my car, what did I do with that parking ticket, have I got the trolley ticket. Get me out of here!
Handing my ticket to the trolley attendant, he waved a limp arm at the trolley and walked off. In IKEA language this means, load the rugs into the car your self.

As I drove down the ramp I thought I should call my husband to say the bed was ordered, paid for and did he have my credit card. Reaching into my bag I had a flash of where I had left my mobile phone, it was back at work on the bench.

It was a strained journey home as I worried about how the delivery service would contact me about the arrival of the bed, where my credit card disappeared to and would I make it back home through traffic to pick up my children before 3.30pm, make a birthday cake, blow balloons, hang streamers and throw a party for my son.
Dr. Lottie, I am now hyperventilating as I write this to you.
Do you think I have an anxiety problem?

Signed Psychiatrically Disordered and Mentally Unstable.

Dear Psychiatrically Disordered and Mentally Unstable,
Interestingly enough I too have bought a bed at IKEA.
I found the whole experience magnificently exciting, a bit like being on camp when I was a Girl Guide many years ago.
People these days are far too soft, I feel you need to toughen up
I applaud Mr. IKEA and his tremendous Do-it-yourself ways.
My suggestion to you is to return the bed; another event in itself; spin on your heel and return into IKEA buy another bed. This time remember your credit card.

Thank you for your tall tale of insane proportions.
Dr Lottie.

What-was-my-name-again?

Dear Dr. Lottie,
Mainly I think I am a very good, kind and patient mother.
But sometimes I find with the millions of things going on in our busy lives that I become a little bit forgetful.
I have found that I have left the kettle boiling on the stove, the bath running until it flows out into the hallway, my mother waiting on the other end of the phone whilst I answer the door.
She was there for two hours!
The worst scatterbrained mistake I have made is when I left my little toddler at my daughters dancing class, we drove home and I found he wasn’t in the car seat!
Am I going crackers?
Signed What Was My Name Again?

Dear What Was Your Name Again,
It seems as though you may have lost your marbles.
Has your husband noticed that you have misplaced a couple of your children yet?
Maybe you forgot to tell him.
I think being forgetful is commonplace with most mothers as their brain is set free with the placenta.
I wouldn’t worry your empty head too much about it.
Have your address tattooed to your hand so you know where you live.

Thank you for your absentminded letter,
Dr Lottie.

Discomforted and Hunted

Dear Dr. Lottie,
Last Friday I hurt my back trying to move a dressing table by myself.
The dresser was in an awkward spot and I twisted my back as I lifted it.
Over the weekend my back has increasingly worsened and now I can’t move out of a horizontal position, I have lain flat on my back in bed for two days now.

Unfortunately for me, my husband finds this incredibly arousing, instead of looking after me and letting me rest so that I can get better, he is completely stimulated.
I am not sure how to handle this situation as I am in too much pain to push him away.
Do you have some advice Dr. Lottie?
Signed Discomforted and Hunted.

Dear Discomforted and Hunted, Firstly, what in the dickens were you thinking when trying to lift a dressing table by yourself and did you not bend from the knees?
Apart from the people of today being too soft, they are also, too unthinking. I have no sympathy for you.

As for your husband pursuing you whilst you are flat on your back, I say good luck to him and to get jiggy with it while he can. The Professor is always running from bedroom with a headache and it drives me to distraction.

Thank you for your susceptible letter.
Dr Lottie.

Angst-Ridden and Agitated

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I am moving my family into a new house this week and I have spent the last month sorting though, packing up, chucking out and boxing up my family’s possessions.
The moving van is on its way, but now I am having second thoughts. What if I don’t like the house? I only saw it once. What if my husband and I don’t like each other after we move in?
I already have plans to lock him in the bathroom before we leave. Have made the wrong decision?
Signed Angst-Ridden and Agitated.

Dear Angst-Ridden and Agitated, I feel you have undergone a lot of stress and turmoil over the past month.
Research has shown that moving house is one of the most stressful life events a family can go through, alongside the level of stress when going through divorce and death.
Last minute fears and doubts can crowd your mind and fill you with hesitation about your decision to move.
My suggestion to you is to put together all the boxes that essentially belong to you, lock all of your family in the bathroom and take off with the removalist.

Thank you for your disturbing letter,
Dr. Lottie.

Vexed and Upset

Dear Dr Lottie,
My Husband has been overseas for number of weeks and my stress levels seem ever increasingly escalating, in fact maniacal.
Do you have any advice for an anxious, stressed, hassled, strained and worried mother?
Signed Vexed and Upset.

Dear Vexed and Upset,
I am sure you must have some semi maniacal traits to begin with. It couldn’t be because your husband is away. You are giving far too much credit to your husband.
My advice is to get on with it and stop wallowing in your own self pity.

Thank you for your unfortunate letter.
Dr Lottie

Dr. Lottie Relaxing.