Dr Lottie at work.

Agitated and Unsightly

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I am preparing for our end of year concert, I am a little anxious as feel I want to look and dance my best.
Do you have any secret beauty or performance tips for me?
Signed Agitated and Unsightly.

Dear Agitated and Unsightly,
I am mildly flattered with your unfortunate letter.
But, you have come to the right person as I am a woman with a wealth of knowledge when it comes to dance and performance.
The Professor and I have been performing for many years at the local RSL and Elderly Citizens Club.

Firstly, make sure you have a good bath and put on some deodorant. It’s ghastly dancing next to someone who reeks.

Secondly, get yourself some decent foundation, at least 4 shades darker than your natural skin tone. Pack it on densely and evenly. This will give you a nice healthy appearance on stage.

Lastly, make sure you are warmed up before going on stage, whether it’s a shot of whiskey or a few laps around the theatre.
The professor is always going on and on and on about stretching and vocal warm ups, he does enough chit chatting for twenty elderly women.
Personally I prefer a swift nip and away we go.

Thank you for your amateur letter.
Dr Lottie.

Eager and Expectant

Dear Dr. Lottie,
At the Glittery Tapping Wonderland’s Concert last year I remember you performed an electrifying Hip Hop routine with your husband The Professor.
Will you be performing this year?
I am in suspense as it is always extremely fascinating to see your expertise in the art of dance.
Signed Eager and Expectant.

Dear Eager and Expectant,

I am exceptionally pleased to inform you that the Professor and I have been occupied on an item for the recital.
Considering that we excelled in all forms of The Hip Hop, The Breaking, The Locking and such, we decided to spend our time this year perfecting a new technique.
As this year’s the Concert Theme is “You are Dreaming”, the Professor and I assessed that we needed to express an internal yearning that we have always dreamed being staged.
I am positive you will be enthralled with our achievements.

Thank you for your over-enthusiastic letter.
Dr Lottie.

Easily Amused

Dear Dr. Lottie,

I was wondering if you might be dancing in the Glittery Tapping Wonderland concert this year?

I have seen you dancing at previous concerts with your husband and it has always been an interesting experience.

Signed Easily Amused.

Dear Easily Amused,

This is a somewhat interesting letter as typically I am asked queries referring to health matters.

I hope that when you mention that when observing our piece at the concert as an “interesting experience” that it has also been an enjoyable one.

Whether you ask in jest or not, The professor and I have already commenced choreography on the item for the concert.

After being relatively inspired by the television program “So you think you can dance” The Professor and I have been attending an extracurricular dance program in which we are experiencing classes in the Contemporary dance as well as the Hip-Hop syllabus.

We have found the Hip Hop module a little finicky, especially with all the youngies, but we are adapting moderately well to this remarkable new style of dance.

Which, if you are unfamiliar with this hip-hop style; as I used to be; it refers to the social or choreographed styles primarily danced to the hip-hop music or that have evolved as part of the hip-hop culture.

This includes a wide range of styles notably “The Breaking” “The Locking” and “The Popping” which were developed in the 1970s by African and Latino Americans.

The Professor is somewhat enjoying the Popping and the Locking constituent of this style, where as I have immersed myself in the Breaking component.

I think this year you will be more than just easily amused at our recital.

Thank you for your contemptuous letter.
Dr Lottie.

Freaked out and Fretting

Dear Dr Lottie,
I have an end of year concert coming up with my dancing school and I am starting to feel extremely nervous about it all.
The fact is, that on Monday I have to give a lecture in front of 700 people which doesn’t phase me in the slightest, but dancing at the concert is freaking me out!
What can I do to help with my nervousness?
Signed Freaked out and Fretting.

Dear Freaked out and Fretting,
Most performers get nervous prior to opening night.
Nerves are a good thing.
They give you diarrhea and help you lose weight!

Thank you for your self-deprecating letter.
Dr Lottie.

Flu Infested and Drab

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I have heard so many wonderful things about how dancing is so good for your health, dancing keeps you young, dancing keeps you fit, dancing keeps you motivated and happy.
I am wondering if these health benefits that you gain from dancing extend to helping you fight off the flu? I have been ill in bed for three days and I am wondering if I were to go to a dance class that it might make me well.
Signed Flu Infested and Drab.

Dear Flu Infested and Drab,
No of course it will not make you well, are you a fool as well as a flu-infested pheasant? The only thing that it will do is pass on your filthy germs to all the others in the class. Stay home and stop your moaning.

Thank you for your wretched letter.
Dr Lottie.

Un-Prepared and Out-Of-Practice

Dear Dr Lottie,

I am in a very desperate position, I hope you can give me some helpful advice.
I attend a tap dancing class once a week, I love it so much, but when I try to practice at home, my hysterical kelpie goes crazy. She stands on her hind legs, yelping and leaping at me, tearing my tights and scratching my legs.

I have tried locking her outside, but she races around the garden and digs up my herbs.
I have tried locking her in another room, but she yaps and leaps at the door scratching the paintwork.

I am driven to distraction and I need to practice! Do you have any suggestions?

Signed Un-Prepared and Out-Of-Practice.

Dear Un-Prepared and Out-Of-Practice,

It sounds to me as though your psychotic dog either enjoys or detests the sound of tap dancing.
Maybe you could try fitting her out with a pair of tap shoes.

You could work up and act; I hear Silvers Circus is auditioning new acts this month.

Thank you for your neurotic letter.
Dr Lottie.

Nervous Wreck

Dear Dr Lottie,
My Tap Dancing School is getting ready for its end of year Concert. I am incredibly nervous, my hands don’t stop shaking and I have broken out in hives. What can I do?
Signed Nervous Wreck.

Dear Nervous Wreck,
No need to stress out of performing. I have an answer that will help you every step of the way with any public appearances.
I often use this if I have a tricky operation, or have to speak at a seminar on Brain Surgery.
Stop into your local Bottle shop and buy a bottle of the best Vodka, Just before you have go on stage drink half the bottle mixed with a little cranberry juice.
It works a treat for those shakes and you can finish the bottle once you come off stage.

Thank you for your timid letter,
Dr Lottie.

Waxy and Mortified

Dear Dr Lottie,
I have an excess earwax problem, every time I go to my tap dancing classes, as I get hot, my ear wax starts to melt and oozes out of my ears.
It is quite embarrassing and really messy.
Do you have any suggestions Dr. Lottie?

Signed Waxy and Mortified.

Dear Waxy and Mortified,
You have possibly the worst and most discomforting problem I have ever come across.
Could you try wearing a towel draped over your shoulders whilst dancing, this may be an effective way to collect the flow as you heat up.

Thank you for your disconcerting letter,
Dr Lottie.

Wet and Pursued

Dear Dr Lottie,
I have been practicing my tap dancing in the shower as it makes a nice slappy sound with my bare feet in the water.
The only problem is that my husband thinks that it is a mating ritual and when he hears my slappy wet feet tapping, he immediately strips off and leaps into the shower with me.
I am fearing that I am not getting enough practice and may not know my tap dancing steps well enough to dance at the end of year Explosion.
Signed Wet and Pursued.

Dear Wet and Pursued,
This truly is an interesting problem.
My advice is to try showering with your clothes on.

Thank you for your food-for-thought letter,
Dr Lottie.

Fidgety and Frustrated

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I am a mere child of 10 years old, who loves to dance.
Recently I have been quarantined with dreaded swine flu and I am unable to go to school, let alone go to my wonderful dancing classes.

I am itching to dance, do you have any suggestions of what I can do to do to get well and back to dancing?

Signed Fidgety and Frustrated.

Dear Fidgety and Frustrated,
You poor disease riddled boar.
My suggestion to you is to fly to Mexico where this hideous pandemic originated from and give them back some of their gruesome disease.
As for your dancing, maybe you could practice your chasse turns down the aisle of the plane.

Thank you for your ailing letter.
Dr Lottie.

Black and Blue

Dear Dr. Lottie,
On Saturday I participated in a dance class called “Tap Boot Camp”, it was fabulous, the class was really hard work and a slightly different style to what I learn with my not-so-normal teacher.
I was really getting into the steps, but I accidentally smashed one of my tap shoes into the ankle of my other foot. I find this happens often and my ankles are always covered in bruises.
Is there anything I can do to prevent such a painful outcome to such a pleasurable pastime?
Signed Black and Blue.

Dear Black and Blue,
You are experiencing a disease that is commonly known as “Tanglefoot”.
This is a widespread Disease and is frequented by people who are extremely uncoordinated.
There are a couple of ways to prevent this disorder of bruising to the ankle.
Primarily you could give up your Tap dancing classes.
Secondarily, you could bend one leg at the knee and strap it to the back of your thigh, dance the class on one leg.
This could become a tiring for the leg that is being used, so I suggest swapping legs when the first leg starts to feel weak.

Thank you for your clumsy letter,
Dr Lottie.

Erroneous and Illusive

Dear Dr Lottie,
I feeling incredibly frazzled and quite panicked this week I and I hope that you can help me.
I have recently joined a dancing school and to be part of their “Inner Sanctum” “The Fashionable Clique” “The In Crowd” you need to have your tap shoes “Glitterized”, which will be carried out this coming Saturday at their ritualistic “Glitterization Day”.
I spent a few precious moments requesting expert advice on colour choices for green tap shoes with “The Glamour Guru” “The Tapping Top Dog ” “The Sparkling Sufi” and her prestigious Highness-ness-ness waved her incense and murmured “For glamorous green glittery tap shoes you need Key Lime and Lemon”.
With that, I rushed all over Melbourne from one shop to another desperately searching for the mystical Key Lime and Lemon.
Every fruit shop I have asked at have never heard of Key Lime. Luckily I have a Lemon tree and have carefully selected the most perfect Lemon from its bows.

But now I am insane with despair as I am at a loss with this thing called Key Lime.
Dr. Lottie what can I do?
Signed Erroneous and Illusive.

Dear Erroneous and Illusive,
Get a grip on yourself you are obviously in a lather over an issue that is so incredibly unimportant in the scheme of things.
If you had been in a tranquil state of mind and paid attention to your “Sparkling Sufi’s” “guidance” you might have heard correctly. Your so-called “Glamour Guru” was obviously talking about the colour of the glitter you needed to purchase, not some sacred, majestic fruit!

Thank you for your irrational letter.
Dr Lottie.

Clunky and Shamed

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I suffer from a problem, which is known to many as “Knocked Knees”.
Having been born with this problem I am have made adjustments to my life and resigned to the fact that I can never wear mini skirts.
But since joining my new Tap Dancing class, I find that when I dance, my knees clunk together.
My teacher is forever yelling at me, telling me to pick up my feet, to stop being so lazy as she thinks that the extra clamor is coming from my feet.
Please Dr. Lottie, do you have any suggestions to this unfortunate problem I am facing?

Signed Clunky and Shamed

Dear Clunky and Shamed,
This is a highly ill-fated dilemma.
My suggestion to you is to wear the shortest mini skirt you can lay your hands and knees upon and wear it to you next Tap Dancing class.
Bravely show off your phenomenal defect, hopefully your Tap Dancing teacher will notice where the noise is emanating from and get off your case.
Alternatively you could give up Tap Dancing altogether.

Thank you for your clattering letter.
Dr Lottie.

Itchy and Irritated

Dear Dr Lottie,
I have a continuing problem that maybe you could help me with.
Each time I go to my Tap Dancing class, my feet itch, it drives me to distraction and I cant concentrate on my new steps.
Do you have any expert advice?
Signed Itchy and Irritated.

Dear Itchy and Irritated,
Why in Heavens name don’t you just scratch them?

Thank you for your dissatisfying letter,
Dr. Lottie.

Confounded and Distraught

Dear Dr. Lottie,

I have just found out that my dancing school has decided not to put on their annual concert at the end of the year.

I am greatly upset as I look forward to this event for the entire year.

Instead they are going to have a party for their adult students (like myself) where we can invite family and friends along, drink champagne, dress up in costumes and perform dance routines that we have been working on during the year.

It all sounds quite good on paper, but what about the excitement of being on the stage, the lights, the smell of the grease paint and the backstage antics of champagne and frivolity.

How can I overcome my devastation of not performing?

Signed Confounded and Distraught.

Dear Confounded and Distraught,

Get over it and get on with it.

Are you not going to perform at the party? And drunk no doubt, it is most likely a good thing that they have changed the format of their concert for folk like you who like to drink and dance. It may save you a trip in an ambulance to the hospital with a broken leg from falling from the stage.

And as for the grease paint, the professor and I will most definitely be performing at the dance school’s end of year party, where there will be grease paint a plenty.

Thank you for your pathetic, complaint filled letter,
Dr Lottie.

Fearful and Hesitant

Dear Dr. Lottie,
Last weekend the dancing school that I attend had their rehearsal for our annual end of year concert. It went really well and it was fun getting on the stage and having a practice. Unfortunately I found a few problems were holding back my performance.
Firstly, my shoes kept slipping off my feet.
Secondly, I couldn’t remember which way to go as there was no mirror in front of me as I am used to dancing in front of the mirror at the dance studio.
And thirdly, my wig kept falling off.
Do have any expert advice or performance tips for me? As I know that you are very at ease on the stage.
Signed Fearful and Hesitant.

Dear Fearful and Hesitant,
Do you not have any common sense? A person who has very little rationality could only write these questions.
Firstly, double-sided tape for your shoes will keep your shoes from falling off. An old trick I use when dancing with the Professor.
Simply apply the tape to the inside of the shoe, when you are ready to perform, peel of the plastic layer and slide your foot into the shoe.
Secondly, dancing in front of the mirror can be an asset or a hindrance. In this case I feel it’s a hindrance and therefore I suggest dancing with your eyes closed.
Thirdly, a loose wig is an unhappy sight. Have you ever heard of the term bobby pin?
Alternatively Miss Lou Lou has placed several invaluable tips on her website that maybe of some use to you. http://glitterytappingwonderland.com/tips/

Thank you for your illogical letter,
Dr Lottie.

Troubled and Distracted

Dear Dr. Lottie,
Lately my Tap Dancing class has not been as enjoyable as it usually is. The reason for this is because I keep getting placed to a woman who recites all the tap dancing steps as she is dancing them.
For instance, if we are dancing across the room with two Glides and four Hit Springs, this particular woman pants out “Glide – Glide – Hit Spring – Hit Spring – Hit Spring – Hit Spring.” In the puffiest, most sweatiest voice.
I find it so incredibly distracting as she is chatting to herself extremely loudly the entire class. I am not sure what to do, as I don’t want to hurt her feeling by being placed next to some else.
Do you have any suggestions Dr. Lottie?

Signed Troubled and Distracted.

Dear Troubled and Distracted,
It seems to me that you are a little bit self-absorbed within your dance class. Part of dance lessons is about being part of a group and getting along with all involved.
Last week I suggested a decrepit old horse rider to take up knitting, but this I feel would be the wrong suggestion for you. One pearl, one Plain might drive yourself or whoever is sitting next to you around the twist.

My suggestion to you is to just get on with it and stop your moaning, she is probably having the time of her life, she may not be speaking to herself, she may be offering help that you don’t realize you need because you are so self absorbed.

Thank you for your irritable letter.
Dr Lottie.

Dr.Lottie and The Professor keeping the spark alive.

Bowed and Broken

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I am wondering if you have a solution to my disheartening problem…
Recently I reluctantly retired from many, many years of riding the range rounding cattle and breaking-in wild Brumbies.
Lonely and dispassionate I hunted down a new form of exercise and took up Tap Dancing.
When I saw myself in the unflattering mirrors I came to notice that my knees were permanently some distance apart.
Not only is it very disconcerting to observe my stature in the mirror, but the wind howls between my legs as I Glide across the room.
How can I create a more elegant Glide and a sleeker line?

Signed Bowed and Broken.

Dear Bowed and Broken,
This is an exceedingly wretched dilemma.
I feel the only thing that i can suggest for you is to take up Tunnel-Ball.

Thank you for your howling letter.
Dr Lottie.

Anxious and Apprehensive

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I am getting ready for my annual end of year concert with my dancing school.
I am rather excited, but at the same time and I am terribly nervous.
Last year when the curtain opened and the music started, my mouth went completely dry, I couldn’t
swallow, breathe, or move my legs.
It wasn’t until somebody elbowed me in the ribs did I start dancing.
Is there any managing to this impossible problem?

Signed Anxious and Apprehensive.

Dear Anxious and Apprehensive,
It sounds to me that you are suffering from intense stage fright.
This is quite a common occurrence amongst amateurs and even seasoned
performers.
Stage fright is often confused with lack of talent and in your case your
wouldn’t want to be “Given the Hook” and be dragged off stage.
In the days of Vaudeville very bad acts were hooted vehemently and, when the
boos reached a peak, the manager would reach out from the wings with a long
pole bearing a hook at the end and unceremoniously jerk the ham out of the
limelight.
I don’t expect your dance school would go to such extreme measures, but my
advice to you is that you should get it together before going on stage.

Thank you for your amateur letter,
Dr Lottie.

Dr. Lottie and The Professor.

Liquid and Rancid

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I have a recurring problem where, when I dance in the heat, a river of sweat builds within the depths of my bazoombas. Sometimes I can’t hear myself tap over the sound of rushing water.
Do you have any fail safe advice on this matter?

Signed Liquid and Rancid.

Dear Liquid and Rancid,
Since we are in the middle of a severe drought and that water restrictions are now at stage 3, any water is a precious commodity.
I suggest that you unleash your torrent of perspiration on the garden at the front door as you leave.

Thank you for your stifling letter.
Dr Lottie.

Sodden and Saturated

Dear Dr. Lottie,
What I would like to know is why some people sweat more than others.
Some people; such as myself; get lathered in sweat, I have beads of water running down my cheeks, my hair plastered down, my tee shirt stuck to my back with enormous wet stains under my armpits, whilst others don’t even seem to form the slightest whisper of moisture on their brow?
I am curious to know and I hope you can shed some light on this unsound situation for me.
Signed Sodden and Saturated.

Dear Sodden and Saturated,
I have had quite a few letters recently about sweat.
This must be a very interesting subject to some.
I am curious if it is actually “you” that you are writing to me about, or, are you being discreet about another stinky, sweaty person that you are forced to dance next to in a Dance class??
Unfortunately I cannot shed any light on the answer to your question, as i have never suffered from such an unfortunate problem.

Thank you for your baffling letter.
Dr Lottie.

Nervous and Naked

Dear Dr. Lottie,
My younger Brother and his Fiancé are getting married in two weeks time and have asked me to Dance at their wedding.
I am happy to do so, but unfortunately I have been lying to my family about my profession and the only type of dance routine I can perform is one where I leap out of a cake and strip down to a G-String.
Do you think it is appropriate to perform a dance as such at my younger brothers wedding?
Signed Nervous and Naked.

Dear Nervous and Naked,
This really is an interesting situation, I am sure you are as well trained at your dancing as are with your lying.
I feel you should leave the unveiling of the truth until the night of the wedding and leap out of the cake.
It may kill off a few of the Grandparents in the room but it would sure make nice surprise!

Thank you for your revealing letter.
Dr Lottie.

Chafed and Comfortless

Dear Dr Lottie,
I have a recurring problem that I am hoping you can help me with.
I attend tap dancing classes on a Tuesday evening and every single time, without fail, when we practice our Time Steps, my underwear rides way, way up.
It is a very annoying and uncomfortable problem and I feel extremely embarrassed and exceedingly conspicuous if I attempt to adjust them as we are dancing in front of enormous mirrors.
I have tried several types of underwear from seamless to boy leg, bikini brief and even
non-bikini brief.
Do you have a solution to this very excruciating problem?

Signed Chafed and Comfortless.

Dear Chafed and Comfortless,
Have you tried not wearing any underwear?
The Professor swears by it.

Thank you for your agonizing letter.
Dr Lottie.

Noisy and Embarrassed

Dear Dr Lottie,
Every time I go to my tap dancing classes, my false teeth clack uncontrollably, do you have any suggestions for this unfortunate problem?
Signed Noisy and Embarrassed.

Dear Noisy and Embarrassed,
I feel your noisy habit shouldn’t be such a problem as there is bound to be a lot of clacking in a tap dancing class. My advice is to be brave and let your teeth clack in rhythm with your feet. Say it loud, I clack and I’m proud!

Thank you for your boisterous letter.
Dr Lottie.

Alone and Frustrated

Dear Dr Lottie,
Every time I practice my tap dancing, my dog starts to howl. What can I do ?
Signed Alone and Frustrated.

Dear Alone and Frustrated,
Don’t practice.

Thank you for your disturbed letter.
Dr Lottie.

Tired and Confused

Dear Dr Lottie,
When I come home from tap dancing classes I have trouble getting to sleep that night.
Do you have any sleeping tips to help me calm down after dancing?

Signed Tired and Confused.

Dear Tired and Confused,
The obvious advice to give you here would be not to go to Tap Dancing, but I do have a little trick that helps me get to sleep of an evening.
Once you are in bed, get in your most comfortable position, snuggle in, get really cozy.
Now imagine you are on an enormous Jumbo jet flying across the ocean, to a far away land.
Start to imagine that you are at the back of the plane, the second last seat, middle row. You have two very large drunk and hairy grandmothers sitting either side you. The people sitting behind you are playing snap on the tray table attached to the back of your seat. The light won’t switch off above you, the air vent won’t switch on.
Grandma number one has stolen your pillow, grandma number two has stolen your blanket and they are both asleep with their faces pointed toward you and snoring loudly.
Forty two hours to go and the seat won’t lay back.
Now quietly say to yourself “I wish I were at home in my nice warm bed, hang on a minute, I am!”
You will be so happy that you are not on that flight that you will be asleep in a flash.

Thank you for your vigilant letter.
Dr Lottie.

Dr Lottie at the Lowrie Organ

Dr. Lottie at play.

Hysterical and Hallucinogenic

Dear Dr Lottie,

I wonder if you may have some expert advice for me.
I seem to be in a flurry every second of the day, rushing here, rushing there, sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I look like the Tasmanian Devil on a Bugs Bunny Cartoon.
My mind a race, my jaw is clenched, my teeth grind and my left eye constantly has an infuriating flitter.
Is there something I can do to help with my intense madness?

Signed Hysterical and Hallucinogenic.

Dear Hysterical and Hallucinogenic,

It seems to me that you are living life in the fast lane.
Do you drink a lot of coffee?
I have heard there is a very relaxing drink call “Red Bull” maybe you should try substituting this for your daily intake of caffeine.
Stay clear of the mirror and all will be sunny.

Thank you for your manic letter.
Dr Lottie.

Old and Decrepit

Dear Dr Lottie, I have just turned 40 and feel as old as the hills.
Do you have any tips for turning back the hands of time?

Signed Old and Decrepit.

Dear Old and Decrepit, Yes 40 is really old, I mean really really really, really old, I don’t think there is much hope for you now.
It might be worth trying to get yourself onto one of those reality extreme makeover shows they have on TV these days. At least they will be able to make you look a bit more attractive.
It is all down hill from now on.

Thank you for your depressing letter,
Dr Lottie.

Flu Infested and Drab

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I have heard so many wonderful things about how dancing is so good for your health, dancing keeps you young, dancing keeps you fit, dancing keeps you motivated and happy.
I am wondering if these health benefits that you gain from dancing extend to helping you fight off the flu? I have been ill in bed for three days and I am wondering if I were to go to a dance class that it might make me well.
Signed Flu Infested and Drab.

Dear Flu Infested and Drab,
No of course it will not make you well, are you a fool as well as a flu-infested pheasant? The only thing that it will do is pass on your filthy germs to all the others in the class. Stay home and stop your moaning.

Thank you for your wretched letter.
Dr Lottie.

Ashamed and Maimed

Dear Dr. Lottie,
Lately I have been feeling a little unfit and decided to take up a long lost hobby that I did when I was a young filly over twenty five years ago, horse riding.
I booked myself into have a riding lesson at the local equestrian centre where I was to be assessed as to what my level would be and be placed in a riding group.
I gave it a good go, everything started to come back to me, I cantered around the arena, popped over a jump or two, and I felt wonderful!
Until I dismounted, as my feet touched the ground, my legs gave way leaving me trembling in the middle of the riding arena!
Embarrassed, I struggled onto my jellified legs and wobbled my way back to the stables.
I haven’t been able to move my legs for three days! I fear I am over the hill and out to pasture. Am I starting too late in life?

Signed Ashamed and Maimed.

Dear Ashamed and Maimed,
This is a completely normal reaction from your body when coming back to an exercise that you haven’t participated in, in over quarter of a century.
You are not getting any younger you know. Your body is out of shape. What on earth were you thinking?
I am positive that it is far too late in life to get back into the saddle. Have you ever thought of taking up knitting?

Thank you for your long in the tooth letter.
Dr Lottie.

Frustrated in Flannelette

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I am a happily married woman with two adorable children.
Recently, I have fallen madly in love with a younger man.
Unfortunately this younger man that I have fallen for in unattainable.
Firstly, he is in a Rock band so he has young girls throwing themselves at him day and night.
Secondly, he has a girlfriend.
Thirdly I am 42 years old and obviously not as attractive to him as the younger girls.
The other night, whilst my husband was away, he called me on my mobile, I thought that he might have been calling to speak to me and invite me out for a drink with him.
But he was only after another phone number. I was devastated.

Please Dr. Lottie, do you have any suggestions for this unrequited love?
Signed Frustrated in Flannelette.

Dear Frustrated in Flannelette,
You really have an incredibly complex problem.
Unreciprocated love is a very difficult dilemma to face.
My suggestion to you is to let him know that you care, following my suggestions, you can prove your love to him.
Find out where he lives and linger outside his house.
Take photos of him when ever possible.
Go to all of his performances and remain outside, when he appears after the show, bounce out from behind a bush and say “Surprise!”
If he is in a limousine, lie on the hood or kiss the window.
Send him multiple text messages as you have his number in your phone.
Send him perfumed letters, emotive emails and photos of yourself in lingerie.
You could consider starting a website dedicated to him.
My suggestion to you is that you cannot be subtle in your approach; you need to let him know you exist.

Thank you for your desperate letter,
Dr Lottie.

Hungry and Hobbling

Dear Dr. Lottie,
Recently I had surgery on both of my feet. The night I came home from the hospital, I was a little delirious to say the least and was wheeled from the car to the bed in a wheelchair.
Lying in bed, starving from fasting all day I thought to myself, “ I wonder if per chance there may be little dinner coming my way?”
Right on cue, my husband waltzed through the door with an enormous bowl of pasta and a chilled glass of wine. I was so relieved and thankful, smiling I said “Thank you, how wonderful!” He quickly corrected me saying that it was for himself!
Then sitting on the bed next to me with an enormous mouthful of spaghetti he mumbled, “Tell me when you are hungry”. I said without delay, “I’m hungry”. And thinking I was being terribly funny he chuckled into his dinner saying, “No really, tell me when you are hungry”. I replied, “I’m hungry!”
After finishing his dinner he brought me in something to eat and then proceeded to fall asleep on the couch, leaving me to get the children to bed.
Do you think this is ground for divorce?
Signed Hungry and Hobbling.

Dear Hungry and Hobbling,
I think divorce is probably a little drastic there are far better ways of getting back at your husband than divorcing him and fleecing him for all he is worth.
Hold onto your anger and wait until the next time when he has come down with “The Man Flu”. Wait till he is lying in bed with a fever, delirious and feeble. Then quietly spend good half hour getting all freshened up. Perfumed, powdered and with your brand new matching sexy underwear, pounce on him and demand from him all that you are worth.

Thank you for your neglected letter.
Dr Lottie.

Waxy and Mortified

Dear Dr Lottie,
I have an excess earwax problem, every time I go to my tap dancing classes, as I get hot, my ear wax starts to melt and oozes out of my ears.
It is quite embarrassing and really messy.
Do you have any suggestions Dr. Lottie?

Signed Waxy and Mortified.

Dear Waxy and Mortified,
You have possibly the worst and most discomforting problem I have ever come across.
Could you try wearing a towel draped over your shoulders whilst dancing, this may be an effective way to collect the flow as you heat up.

Thank you for your disconcerting letter,
Dr Lottie.

Wet and Pursued

Dear Dr Lottie,
I have been practicing my tap dancing in the shower as it makes a nice slappy sound with my bare feet in the water.
The only problem is that my husband thinks that it is a mating ritual and when he hears my slappy wet feet tapping, he immediately strips off and leaps into the shower with me.
I am fearing that I am not getting enough practice and may not know my tap dancing steps well enough to dance at the end of year Explosion.
Signed Wet and Pursued.

Dear Wet and Pursued,
This truly is an interesting problem.
My advice is to try showering with your clothes on.

Thank you for your food-for-thought letter,
Dr Lottie.

Perplexed and Mystified

Dear Dr Lottie,
Recently I read an article with Angelina (Jolie) where she stated that she was actually a man.
I am very confused as I thought that she was pregnant to Brad (Pitt)?
How could this possibly be? We all know that Men cant conceive!

Signed Perplexed and Mystified.

Dear Perplexed and Mystified,
You must never believe anything you read in the Media as they tend to distort the truth.
But in this case i think the cat is out of the bag, of course she is a man, why would she adopt all those children?

Thank you for your gullible letter,
Dr Lottie.

Dr. Lottie Relaxing with a Sherry

Dr. Lottie at the Dancing Explosion.

Puzzled, Perplexed and slightly Bothered

Dear Dr. Lottie,
My 12 year old daughter is obsessed with the pop idol Justin Bieber.
Recently I took her to his concert and she spent the entire time crying. She cries when she sees him on the TV, she cries when she hears him on the radio.
Is there a cure for Bieber Fever?
Signed Puzzled, Perplexed and slightly Bothered.

Dear Puzzled, Perplexed and slightly Bothered,
I heard there is quite a decent epidemic of the Bieber Fever going around.
I am somewhat confounded as to how this whole disease came about in the first place.
The Professor is convinced it was initiated on the Information Super Highway, and spread to a global pandemic.
As for treatment, I believe a good dose of cod liver oil should do the trick

Thank you for your perturbed letter.
Dr Lottie.

Delayed and Discouraged

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I have an interesting problem I wonder if you could help me with.
I have two young sons, and every single time, with out fail, we go to the supermarket, to Southland, to Bunnings, they desperately need to find a bathroom to do number 2’s.
It makes matters worse when the toilets are difficult to find, or they are situated in an annoying place where you have to wait for seemingly hours in a cold and draughty hallway.
My entire school holidays have been a vacuum of waiting sent to test my patience. Do you have any suggestions?
Signed Delayed and Discouraged.

Dear Delayed and Discouraged,
Firstly, what in the light of day are you feeding those children?
I have heard of high fibre diets, but it sounds to me like you are serving your children enormous portions of wood shavings!
Why do you not leave them at home with your husband?

Thank you for your excessive letter.
Dr Lottie.

Concerned and Mystified

Dear Dr. Lottie,
We have adopted a new dog from the RSPCA, she is very cute and happy to be a new caring home, but every time we take her out for a walk somewhere new she does a strange coughing sound.
Do you think she is suffering from anxiety?
Signed Concerned and Mystified.

Dear Concerned and Mystified,
Do you think that my profession is that of a Veterinarian? How in the devils name would I know, it sounds to me as though your dog maybe suffering from neurotic owner disorder.

Thank you for your preposterous letter.
Dr Lottie.

Psychiatrically Disordered and Mentally Unstable

Dear Dr. Lottie,
Recently I went to IKEA to buy a new bed. This seems like an easy task to most, but I am writing to you because it was the most stressful event I have ever had in my entire life and I am wondering if I am over-reacting.
Foolishly I thought you could simply order a bed and have it delivered. But I was wrong.
After finding the bed in the enormous rabbit warren, I needed to write down a series of aisle numbers and product codes so that I could locate it in the pick up area, then order a mattress, collect a receipt and make my way through the entire store to where I would pick up the pieces for the bed.

Stupidly I had picked up two rugs on my travels and as there was no trolley’s in sight, I had to drag them through the store.
I reached the trolley station, exhausted; I placed the rugs on the trolley. I started to search out the aisle numbers and product codes, insanely frazzled, I asked for help from an IKEA worker!
This assistant must have been born with no insides, as his face and body were limp as waved his hand in a vague direction toward the pieces to be put on the trolley. They were huge. No assistance was offered from the jellyfish as I struggled with them. Then I had to get the mattress! How?

Fighting back tears I asked the limp rag how to get the mattress and how do I push two trolleys? He said I had to pay for everything first and then pick up the mattress from over there; he vaguely waved a limp arm toward the west.
Standing in a cue with thousands of happy customers, I waited. Finally I am ready to pay, I open my purse and to my horror, my credit card is missing! My eyes instantly rolled into the back of my head, I rummaged through my bag and couldn’t find anything useful except a cheque book. This could be used, but I had to go to another counter. The tick in my left eye started to grow more intense as I pushed the trolley over to another counter.

All paid up I put the receipt into my wallet and headed to the next counter for the mattress. They needed the receipt. Why don’t I empty my wallet occasionally? I couldn’t find the receipt, so I spread all the receipts out all over the counter and suggested to the new limp sea creature that he should find the receipt. Finally the mattress is wheeled out and I push two enormous trolleys over to the home delivery counter.

It seems like the tragedy is almost over until the rugs need to be removed from underneath the pile of bed frame. Why, why, it’s all too much!
I find another trolley for the rugs and after paying cash and leaving my mobile phone number for them to be able to contact me for delivery, I leave the bed and mattress and push the trolley with my rugs out the front door. Fresh air, I am free!
But no, I had to leave my trolley at the trolley station; you can’t push the trolley into the car park. Take this ticket.
Twitch, twitch went my eye as I wiped the froth from the corners of my mouth and walked towards the car park, validate my parking ticket, no please don’t make me go back in there.
I won’t go. I wont validate.
I got into my car, what did I do with that parking ticket, have I got the trolley ticket. Get me out of here!
Handing my ticket to the trolley attendant, he waved a limp arm at the trolley and walked off. In IKEA language this means, load the rugs into the car your self.

As I drove down the ramp I thought I should call my husband to say the bed was ordered, paid for and did he have my credit card. Reaching into my bag I had a flash of where I had left my mobile phone, it was back at work on the bench.

It was a strained journey home as I worried about how the delivery service would contact me about the arrival of the bed, where my credit card disappeared to and would I make it back home through traffic to pick up my children before 3.30pm, make a birthday cake, blow balloons, hang streamers and throw a party for my son.
Dr. Lottie, I am now hyperventilating as I write this to you.
Do you think I have an anxiety problem?

Signed Psychiatrically Disordered and Mentally Unstable.

Dear Psychiatrically Disordered and Mentally Unstable,
Interestingly enough I too have bought a bed at IKEA.
I found the whole experience magnificently exciting, a bit like being on camp when I was a Girl Guide many years ago.
People these days are far too soft, I feel you need to toughen up
I applaud Mr. IKEA and his tremendous Do-it-yourself ways.
My suggestion to you is to return the bed; another event in itself; spin on your heel and return into IKEA buy another bed. This time remember your credit card.

Thank you for your tall tale of insane proportions.
Dr Lottie.

What-was-my-name-again?

Dear Dr. Lottie,
Mainly I think I am a very good, kind and patient mother.
But sometimes I find with the millions of things going on in our busy lives that I become a little bit forgetful.
I have found that I have left the kettle boiling on the stove, the bath running until it flows out into the hallway, my mother waiting on the other end of the phone whilst I answer the door.
She was there for two hours!
The worst scatterbrained mistake I have made is when I left my little toddler at my daughters dancing class, we drove home and I found he wasn’t in the car seat!
Am I going crackers?
Signed What Was My Name Again?

Dear What Was Your Name Again,
It seems as though you may have lost your marbles.
Has your husband noticed that you have misplaced a couple of your children yet?
Maybe you forgot to tell him.
I think being forgetful is commonplace with most mothers as their brain is set free with the placenta.
I wouldn’t worry your empty head too much about it.
Have your address tattooed to your hand so you know where you live.

Thank you for your absentminded letter,
Dr Lottie.

Discomforted and Hunted

Dear Dr. Lottie,
Last Friday I hurt my back trying to move a dressing table by myself.
The dresser was in an awkward spot and I twisted my back as I lifted it.
Over the weekend my back has increasingly worsened and now I can’t move out of a horizontal position, I have lain flat on my back in bed for two days now.

Unfortunately for me, my husband finds this incredibly arousing, instead of looking after me and letting me rest so that I can get better, he is completely stimulated.
I am not sure how to handle this situation as I am in too much pain to push him away.
Do you have some advice Dr. Lottie?
Signed Discomforted and Hunted.

Dear Discomforted and Hunted, Firstly, what in the dickens were you thinking when trying to lift a dressing table by yourself and did you not bend from the knees?
Apart from the people of today being too soft, they are also, too unthinking. I have no sympathy for you.

As for your husband pursuing you whilst you are flat on your back, I say good luck to him and to get jiggy with it while he can. The Professor is always running from bedroom with a headache and it drives me to distraction.

Thank you for your susceptible letter.
Dr Lottie.

Angst-Ridden and Agitated

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I am moving my family into a new house this week and I have spent the last month sorting though, packing up, chucking out and boxing up my family’s possessions.
The moving van is on its way, but now I am having second thoughts. What if I don’t like the house? I only saw it once. What if my husband and I don’t like each other after we move in?
I already have plans to lock him in the bathroom before we leave. Have made the wrong decision?
Signed Angst-Ridden and Agitated.

Dear Angst-Ridden and Agitated, I feel you have undergone a lot of stress and turmoil over the past month.
Research has shown that moving house is one of the most stressful life events a family can go through, alongside the level of stress when going through divorce and death.
Last minute fears and doubts can crowd your mind and fill you with hesitation about your decision to move.
My suggestion to you is to put together all the boxes that essentially belong to you, lock all of your family in the bathroom and take off with the removalist.

Thank you for your disturbing letter,
Dr. Lottie.

Vexed and Upset

Dear Dr Lottie,
My Husband has been overseas for number of weeks and my stress levels seem ever increasingly escalating, in fact maniacal.
Do you have any advice for an anxious, stressed, hassled, strained and worried mother?
Signed Vexed and Upset.

Dear Vexed and Upset,
I am sure you must have some semi maniacal traits to begin with. It couldn’t be because your husband is away. You are giving far too much credit to your husband.
My advice is to get on with it and stop wallowing in your own self pity.

Thank you for your unfortunate letter.
Dr Lottie

Dr. Lottie Relaxing.

Miss Brianna, Miss Neroli, Miss Amanda, Miss Tess, Miss Casey, Miss Natalie and Miss Elise!

Our Glamorous Teachers opening the show at 2010 Concert!

"Generals and Majors" by XTC

The teachers Ballet

Miss Natalie, Miss Sarah, Miss Amanda and Miss Casey!

Miss Elise, Miss Natalie and Miss Sarah!

Miss Natalie, Miss Sarah, Miss Brianna, Miss Elise and Miss Casey!

Dr. Lottie and the Professor preparing for their item!

Dr. Lottie and The Professor doing "The Hip Hop"

Dr. Lottie and The Professor.

Dr. Lottie and the Gerri Crew!

The Professor fell off the stage!

The Gerri Crew!