Questions to the highly qualified Dr Lottie Prospect.
Dear Dr. Lottie,
Recently I had surgery on both of my feet. The night I came home from the hospital, I was a little delirious to say the least and was wheeled from the car to the bed in a wheelchair.
Lying in bed, starving from fasting all day I thought to myself, “ I wonder if per chance there may be little dinner coming my way?”
Right on cue, my husband waltzed through the door with an enormous bowl of pasta and a chilled glass of wine. I was so relieved and thankful, smiling I said “Thank you, how wonderful!” He quickly corrected me saying that it was for himself!
Then sitting on the bed next to me with an enormous mouthful of spaghetti he mumbled, “Tell me when you are hungry”. I said without delay, “I’m hungry”. And thinking I was being terribly funny he chuckled into his dinner saying, “No really, tell me when you are hungry”. I replied, “I’m hungry!”
After finishing his dinner he brought me in something to eat and then proceeded to fall asleep on the couch, leaving me to get the children to bed.
Do you think this is ground for divorce?
Signed Hungry and Hobbling.
Dear Hungry and Hobbling,
I think divorce is probably a little drastic there are far better ways of getting back at your husband than divorcing him and fleecing him for all he is worth.
Hold onto your anger and wait until the next time when he has come down with “The Man Flu”. Wait till he is lying in bed with a fever, delirious and feeble. Then quietly spend good half hour getting all freshened up. Perfumed, powdered and with your brand new matching sexy underwear, pounce on him and demand from him all that you are worth.
Thank you for your neglected letter.
Dr Lottie.
Bowed and Broken
Dear Dr. Lottie,
I am wondering if you have a solution to my disheartening problem…
Recently I reluctantly retired from many, many years of riding the range rounding cattle and breaking-in wild Brumbies.
Lonely and dispassionate I hunted down a new form of exercise and took up Tap Dancing.
When I saw myself in the unflattering mirrors I came to notice that my knees were permanently some distance apart.
Not only is it very disconcerting to observe my stature in the mirror, but the wind howls between my legs as I Glide across the room.
How can I create a more elegant Glide and a sleeker line?
Signed Bowed and Broken.
Dear Bowed and Broken,
This is an exceedingly wretched dilemma.
I feel the only thing that i can suggest for you is to take up Tunnel-Ball.
Thank you for your howling letter.
Dr Lottie.
Anxious and Apprehensive
Dear Dr. Lottie,
I am getting ready for my annual end of year concert with my dancing school.
I am rather excited, but at the same time and I am terribly nervous.
Last year when the curtain opened and the music started, my mouth went completely dry, I couldn’t
swallow, breathe, or move my legs.
It wasn’t until somebody elbowed me in the ribs did I start dancing.
Is there any managing to this impossible problem?
Signed Anxious and Apprehensive.
Dear Anxious and Apprehensive,
It sounds to me that you are suffering from intense stage fright.
This is quite a common occurrence amongst amateurs and even seasoned
performers.
Stage fright is often confused with lack of talent and in your case your
wouldn’t want to be “Given the Hook” and be dragged off stage.
In the days of Vaudeville very bad acts were hooted vehemently and, when the
boos reached a peak, the manager would reach out from the wings with a long
pole bearing a hook at the end and unceremoniously jerk the ham out of the
limelight.
I don’t expect your dance school would go to such extreme measures, but my
advice to you is that you should get it together before going on stage.
Thank you for your amateur letter,
Dr Lottie.
Liquid and Rancid
Dear Dr. Lottie,
I have a recurring problem where, when I dance in the heat, a river of sweat builds within the depths of my bazoombas. Sometimes I can’t hear myself tap over the sound of rushing water.
Do you have any fail safe advice on this matter?
Signed Liquid and Rancid.
Dear Liquid and Rancid,
Since we are in the middle of a severe drought and that water restrictions are now at stage 3, any water is a precious commodity.
I suggest that you unleash your torrent of perspiration on the garden at the front door as you leave.
Thank you for your stifling letter.
Dr Lottie.
Sodden and Saturated
Dear Dr. Lottie,
What I would like to know is why some people sweat more than others.
Some people; such as myself; get lathered in sweat, I have beads of water running down my cheeks, my hair plastered down, my tee shirt stuck to my back with enormous wet stains under my armpits, whilst others don’t even seem to form the slightest whisper of moisture on their brow?
I am curious to know and I hope you can shed some light on this unsound situation for me.
Signed Sodden and Saturated.
Dear Sodden and Saturated,
I have had quite a few letters recently about sweat.
This must be a very interesting subject to some.
I am curious if it is actually “you” that you are writing to me about, or, are you being discreet about another stinky, sweaty person that you are forced to dance next to in a Dance class??
Unfortunately I cannot shed any light on the answer to your question, as i have never suffered from such an unfortunate problem.
Thank you for your baffling letter.
Dr Lottie.
Nervous and Naked
Dear Dr. Lottie,
My younger Brother and his Fiancé are getting married in two weeks time and have asked me to Dance at their wedding.
I am happy to do so, but unfortunately I have been lying to my family about my profession and the only type of dance routine I can perform is one where I leap out of a cake and strip down to a
G-String.
Do you think it is appropriate to perform a dance as such at my younger brothers wedding?
Signed Nervous and Naked.
Dear Nervous and Naked,
This really is an interesting situation, I am sure you are as well trained at your dancing as are with your lying.
I feel you should leave the unveiling of the truth until the night of the wedding and leap out of the cake.
It may kill off a few of the Grandparents in the room but it would sure make nice surprise!
Thank you for your revealing letter.
Dr Lottie.
Chafed and Comfortless
Dear Dr Lottie,
I have a recurring problem that I am hoping you can help me with.
I attend tap dancing classes on a Tuesday evening and every single time, without fail, when we practice our Time Steps, my underwear rides way, way up.
It is a very annoying and uncomfortable problem and I feel extremely embarrassed and exceedingly conspicuous if I attempt to adjust them as we are dancing in front of enormous mirrors.
I have tried several types of underwear from seamless to boy leg, bikini brief and even
non-bikini brief.
Do you have a solution to this very excruciating problem?
Signed Chafed and Comfortless.
Dear Chafed and Comfortless,
Have you tried not wearing any underwear?
My Husband swears by it.
Thank you for your agonizing letter.
Dr Lottie.
Noisy and Embarrassed
Dear Dr Lottie,
Every time I go to my tap dancing classes, my false teeth clack uncontrollably, do you have any suggestions for this unfortunate problem?
Signed Noisy and Embarrassed.
Dear Noisy and Embarrassed,
I feel your noisy habit shouldn’t be such a problem as there is bound to be a lot of clacking in a tap dancing class. My advice is to be brave and let your teeth clack in rhythm with your feet, be proud clack loud!
Thank you for your boisterous letter.
Dr Lottie.
Perplexed and Mystified
Dear Dr Lottie,
Recently I read an article with Angelina (Jolie) where she stated that she was actually a man.
I am very confused as I thought that she was pregnant to Brad (Pitt)?
How could this possibly be? We all know that Men cant conceive!
Signed Perplexed and Mystified.
Dear Perplexed and Mystified,
You must never believe anything you read in the Media as they tend to distort the truth.
But in this case i think the cat is out of the bag, of course she is a man, why would she adopt all those children?
Thank you for your gullible letter. Dr Lottie.
Alone and Frustrated
Dear Dr Lottie,
Every time I practice my tap dancing, my dog starts to howl. What can I do ?
Signed Alone and Confused.
Dear Alone and Frustrated,
Don’t practice.
Thank you for your disturbed letter. Dr Lottie.
Tired and Confused
Dear Dr Lottie,
When I come home from tap dancing classes I have trouble getting to sleep that night.
Do you have any sleeping tips to help me calm down after dancing?
Signed Tired and Confused.
Dear Tired and Confused,
The obvious advice to give you here would be not to go to Tap Dancing, but I do have a little trick that helps me get to sleep of an evening.
Once you are in bed, get in your most comfortable position, snuggle in, get really cozy.
Now imagine you are on an enormous Jumbo jet flying across the ocean, to a far away land.
Start to imagine that you are at the back of the plane, the second last seat, middle row. You have two very large drunk and hairy grandmothers sitting either side you. The people sitting behind you are playing snap on the tray table attached to the back of your seat. The light won’t switch off above you, the air vent won’t switch on.
Grandma number one has stolen your pillow, grandma number two has stolen your blanket and they are both asleep and snoring loudly.
Forty two hours to go and the seat won’t lay back.
Now quietly say to yourself “I wish I were at home in my nice warm bed, hang on a minute, I am!”
You will be so happy that you are not on that flight that you will be asleep in a flash.
Thank you for your vigilant letter. Dr Lottie.
Dear Dr. Lottie,
Lately I have been feeling a little unfit and decided to take up a long lost hobby that I did when I was a young filly over twenty five years ago, horse riding.
I booked myself into have a riding lesson at the local equestrian centre where I was to be assessed as to what my level would be and be placed in a riding group.
I gave it a good go, everything started to come back to me, I cantered around the arena, popped over a jump or two, and I felt wonderful!
Until I dismounted, as my feet touched the ground, my legs gave way leaving me trembling in the middle of the riding arena!
Embarrassed, I struggled onto my jellified legs and wobbled my way back to the stables.
I haven’t been able to move my legs for three days! I fear I am over the hill and out to pasture. Am I starting too late in life?
Signed Ashamed and Maimed.
Dear Ashamed and Maimed,
This is a completely normal reaction from your body when coming back to an exercise that you haven’t participated in, in over quarter of a century.
You are not getting any younger you know. Your body is out of shape. What on earth were you thinking?
I am positive that it is far too late in life to get back into the saddle. Have you ever thought of taking up knitting?
Thank you for your long in the tooth letter.
Dr Lottie.
Fidgety and Frustrated
Dear Dr. Lottie,
I am a mere child of 10 years old, who loves to dance.
Recently I have been quarantined with dreaded swine flu and I am unable to go to school, let alone go to my wonderful dancing classes.
I am itching to dance, do you have any suggestions of what I can do to do to get well and back to dancing?
Signed Fidgety and Frustrated.
Dear Fidgety and Frustrated,
You poor disease riddled boar.
My suggestion to you is to fly to Mexico where this hideous pandemic originated from and give them back some of their gruesome disease.
As for your dancing, maybe you could practice your chasse turns down the aisle of the plane.
Thank you for your ailing letter.
Dr Lottie.
What-was-my-name-again?
Dear Dr. Lottie,
Mainly I think I am a very good, kind and patient mother.
But sometimes I find with the millions of things going on in our busy lives that I become a little bit forgetful.
I have found that I have left the kettle boiling on the stove, the bath running until it flows out into the hallway, my mother waiting on the other end of the phone whilst I answer the door.
She was there for two hours!
The worst scatterbrained mistake I have made is when I left my little toddler at my daughters dancing class, we drove home and I found he wasn’t in the car seat!
Am I going crackers?
Signed What Was My Name Again?
Dear What Was Your Name Again,
It seems as though you may have lost your marbles.
Has your husband noticed that you have misplaced a couple of your children yet?
Maybe you forgot to tell him.
I think being forgetful is commonplace with most mothers as their brain is set free with the placenta.
I wouldn’t worry your empty head too much about it.
Have your address tattooed to your hand so you know where you live.
Thank you for your absentminded letter,
Dr Lottie.
Frustrated in Flannelette
Dear Dr. Lottie,
I am a happily married woman with two adorable children.
Recently, I have fallen madly in love with a younger man.
Unfortunately this younger man that I have fallen for in unattainable.
Firstly, he is in a Rock band so he has young girls throwing themselves at him day and night.
Secondly, he has a girlfriend.
Thirdly I am 42 years old and obviously not as attractive to him as the younger girls.
The other night, whilst my husband was away, he called me on my mobile, I thought that he might have been calling to speak to me and invite me out for a drink with him.
But he was only after another phone number. I was devastated.
Please Dr. Lottie, do you have any suggestions for this unrequited love?
Signed Frustrated in Flannelette.
Dear Frustrated in Flannelette,
You really have an incredibly complex problem.
Unreciprocated love is a very difficult dilemma to face.
My suggestion to you is to let him know that you care, following my suggestions, you can prove your love to him.
Find out where he lives and linger outside his house.
Take photos of him when ever possible.
Go to all of his performances and remain outside, when he appears after the show, bounce out from behind a bush and say Hi.
If he is in a limousine, lie on the hood or kiss the window.
Send him multiple text messages as you have his number in your phone.
Send him perfumed letters, emails and photos of yourself in lingerie.
You could consider starting a website dedicated to him.
You cannot be subtle in your approach; you need to let him know you exist.
Thank you for your desperate letter,
Dr Lottie.
Un-Prepared and Out-Of-Practice
Dear Dr Lottie,
I am in a very desperate position, I hope you can give me some helpful advice.
I attend a tap dancing class once a week, I love it so much, but when I try to practice at home, my hysterical kelpie goes crazy. She stands on her hind legs, yelping and leaping at me, tearing my tights and scratching my legs.
I have tried locking her outside, but she races around the garden and digs up my herbs.
I have tried locking her in another room, but she yaps and leaps at the door scratching the paintwork.
I am driven to distraction and I need to practice! Do you have any suggestions?
Signed Un-Prepared and Out-Of-Practice.
Dear Un-Prepared and Out-Of-Practice,
It sounds to me as though your psychotic dog either enjoys or detests the sound of tap dancing.
Maybe you could try fitting her out with a pair of tap shoes.
You could work up and act; I hear Silvers Circus is auditioning new acts this month.
Thank you for your neurotic letter.
Dr Lottie.
Nervous Wreck
Dear Dr Lottie,
My Tap Dancing School is getting ready for its end of year Concert. I am incredibly nervous, my hands don’t stop shaking and I have broken out in hives. What can I do?
Signed Nervous Wreck.
Dear Nervous Wreck,
No need to stress out of performing. I have an answer that will help you every step of the way with any public appearances.
I often use this if I have a tricky operation, or have to speak at a seminar on Brain Surgery.
Stop into your local Bottle shop and buy a bottle of the best Vodka, Just before you have go on stage drink half the bottle mixed with a little cranberry juice.
It works a treat for those shakes and you can finish the bottle once you come off stage.
Thank you for your timid letter,
Dr Lottie.
Waxy and Mortified
Dear Dr Lottie,
I have an excess earwax problem, every time I go to my tap dancing classes, as I get hot, my ear wax starts to melt and oozes out of my ears.
It is quite embarrassing and really messy.
Do you have any suggestions Dr. Lottie?
Signed Waxy and Mortified.
Dear Waxy and Mortified,
You have possibly the worst and most discomforting problem I have ever come across.
Could you try wearing a towel draped over your shoulders whilst dancing, this may be an effective way to collect the flow as you heat up.
Thank you for your disconcerting letter,
Dr Lottie.
Wet and Pursued
Dear Dr Lottie,
I have been practicing my tap dancing in the shower as it makes a nice slappy sound with my bare feet in the water.
The only problem is that my husband thinks that it is a mating ritual and when he hears my slappy wet feet tapping, he immediately strips off and leaps into the shower with me.
I am fearing that I am not getting enough practice and may not know my tap dancing steps well enough to dance at the end of year Explosion.
Signed Wet and Pursued.
Dear Wet and Pursued,
This truly is an interesting problem.
My advice is to try showering with your clothes on.
Thank you for your food-for-thought letter,
Dr Lottie.
Dear Dr Lottie,
I have a continuing problem that maybe you could help me with.
Each time I go to my Tap Dancing class, my feet itch, it drives me to distraction and I cant concentrate on my new steps.
Do you have any expert advice? Signed Itchy and Irritated.
Dear Itchy and Irritated,
Why don’t you just scratch them?
Thank you for your dissatisfying letter.
Dr Lottie.
Clunky and Shamed
Dear Dr. Lottie,
I suffer from a problem, which is known to many as “Knocked Knees”.
Having been born with this problem I am have made adjustments to my life and resigned to the fact that I can never wear mini skirts.
But since joining my new Tap Dancing class, I find that when I dance, my knees clunk together.
My teacher is forever yelling at me, telling me to pick up my feet, to stop being so lazy as she thinks that the extra clamor is coming from my feet.
Please Dr. Lottie, do you have any suggestions to this unfortunate problem I am facing?
Signed Clunky and Shamed
Dear Clunky and Shamed,
This is a highly ill-fated dilemma.
My suggestion to you is to wear the shortest mini skirt you can lay your hands and knees upon and wear it to you next Tap Dancing class.
Bravely show off your phenomenal defect, hopefully your Tap Dancing teacher will notice where the noise is emanating from and get off your case.
Alternatively you could give up Tap Dancing altogether.
Thank you for your clattering letter.
Dr Lottie.
Old and Decrepit
Dear Dr Lottie, I have just turned 40 and feel as old as the hills.
Do you have any tips for turning back the hands of time?
Signed Old and Decrepit.
Dear Old and Decrepit, Yes 40 is really old, I mean really really really, really old, I don’t think there is much hope for you now.
It might be worth trying to get yourself onto one of those reality extreme makeover shows they have on TV these days. At least they will be able to make you look a bit more attractive.
It is all down hill from now on.
Thank you for your depressing letter, Dr Lottie.
Black and Blue
Dear Dr. Lottie,
On Saturday I participated in a dance class called “Tap Boot Camp”, it was fabulous, the class was really hard work and a slightly different style to what I learn with my not-so-normal teacher.
I was really getting into the steps, but I accidentally smashed one of my tap shoes into the ankle of my other foot. I find this happens often and my ankles are always covered in bruises.
Is there anything I can do to prevent such a painful outcome to such a pleasurable pastime?
Signed Black and Blue.
Dear Black and Blue,
You are experiencing a disease that is commonly known as “Tanglefoot”.
This is a widespread Disease and is frequented by people who are extremely uncoordinated.
There are a couple of ways to prevent this disorder of bruising to the ankle.
Primarily you could give up your Tap dancing classes.
Secondarily, you could bend one leg at the knee and strap it to the back of your thigh, dance the class on one leg.
This could become a tiring for the leg that is being used, so I suggest swapping legs when the first leg starts to feel weak.
Thank you for your clumsy letter,
Dr Lottie.
Hysterical and Hallucinogenic
Dear Dr Lottie,
I wonder if you may have some expert advice for me.
I seem to be in a flurry every second of the day, rushing here, rushing there, sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I look like the Tasmanian Devil on a Bugs Bunny Cartoon.
My mind a race, my jaw is clenched, my teeth grind and my left eye constantly has an infuriating flitter.
Is there something I can do to help with my intense madness?
Signed Hysterical and Hallucinogenic.
Dear Hysterical and Hallucinogenic,
It seems to me that you are living life in the fast lane.
Do you drink a lot of coffee?
I have heard there is a very relaxing drink call “Red Bull” maybe you should try substituting this for your daily intake of caffeine.
Stay clear of the mirror and all will be sunny.
Thank you for your manic letter.
Dr Lottie.
Erroneous and Illusive
Dear Dr Lottie,
I feeling incredibly frazzled and quite panicked this week I and I hope that you can help me.
I have recently joined a dancing school and to be part of their “Inner Sanctum” “The Fashionable Clique” “The In Crowd” you need to have your tap shoes “Glitterized”, which will be carried out this coming Saturday at their ritualistic “Glitterization Day”.
I spent a few precious moments requesting expert advice on colour choices for green tap shoes with “The Glamour Guru” “The Tapping Top Dog ” “The Sparkling Sufi” and her prestigious Highness-ness-ness waved her incense and murmured “For glamorous green glittery tap shoes you need Key Lime and Lemon”.
With that, I rushed all over Melbourne from one shop to another desperately searching for the mystical Key Lime and Lemon.
Every fruit shop I have asked at have never heard of Key Lime. Luckily I have a Lemon tree and have carefully selected the most perfect Lemon from its bows.
But now I am insane with despair as I am at a loss with this thing called Key Lime.
Dr. Lottie what can I do?
Signed Erroneous and Illusive.
Dear Erroneous and Illusive,
Get a grip on yourself you are obviously in a lather over an issue that is so incredibly unimportant in the scheme of things.
If you had been in a tranquil state of mind and paid attention to your “Sparkling Sufi’s” “guidance” you might have heard correctly. Your so-called “Glamour Guru” was obviously talking about the colour of the glitter you needed to purchase, not some sacred, majestic fruit!
Thank you for your irrational letter.
Dr Lottie.
Freaked out and Fretting
Dear Dr Lottie,
I have an end of year concert coming up with my dancing school and I am starting to feel extremely nervous about it all.
The fact is, that on Monday I have to give a lecture in front of 700 people which doesn’t phase me in the slightest, but dancing at the concert is freaking me out!
What can I do to help with my nervousness?
Signed Freaked out and Fretting.
Dear Freaked out and Fretting,
Most performers get nervous prior to opening night.
Nerves are a good thing.
They give you diarrhea and help you lose weight!
Thank you for your self-deprecating letter.
Dr Lottie.
Vexed and Upset
Dear Dr Lottie,
My Husband has been overseas for number of weeks and my stress levels seem ever increasingly escalating, in fact maniacal.
Do you have any advice for an anxious, stressed, hassled, strained and worried mother?
Signed Vexed and Upset.
Dear Vexed and Upset,
I am sure you must have some semi maniacal traits to begin with. It couldn’t be because your husband is away. You are giving far too much credit to your husband.
My advice is to get on with it and stop wallowing in your own self pity.
Thank you for your unfortunate letter.
Dr Lottie.
