Ashamed and Maimed

Dear Dr. Lottie,
Lately I have been feeling a little unfit and decided to take up a long lost hobby that I did when I was a young filly over twenty five years ago, horse riding.
I booked myself into have a riding lesson at the local equestrian centre where I was to be assessed as to what my level would be and be placed in a riding group.
I gave it a good go, everything started to come back to me, I cantered around the arena, popped over a jump or two, and I felt wonderful!
Until I dismounted, as my feet touched the ground, my legs gave way leaving me trembling in the middle of the riding arena!
Embarrassed, I struggled onto my jellified legs and wobbled my way back to the stables.
I haven’t been able to move my legs for three days! I fear I am over the hill and out to pasture. Am I starting too late in life?

Signed Ashamed and Maimed.

Dear Ashamed and Maimed,
This is a completely normal reaction from your body when coming back to an exercise that you haven’t participated in, in over quarter of a century.
You are not getting any younger you know. Your body is out of shape. What on earth were you thinking?
I am positive that it is far too late in life to get back into the saddle. Have you ever thought of taking up knitting?

Thank you for your long in the tooth letter.
Dr Lottie.

Fidgety and Frustrated

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I am a mere child of 10 years old, who loves to dance.
Recently I have been quarantined with dreaded swine flu and I am unable to go to school, let alone go to my wonderful dancing classes.

I am itching to dance, do you have any suggestions of what I can do to do to get well and back to dancing?

Signed Fidgety and Frustrated.

Dear Fidgety and Frustrated,
You poor disease riddled boar.
My suggestion to you is to fly to Mexico where this hideous pandemic originated from and give them back some of their gruesome disease.
As for your dancing, maybe you could practice your chasse turns down the aisle of the plane.

Thank you for your ailing letter.

Dr Lottie.

What-was-my-name-again?

Dear Dr. Lottie,
Mainly I think I am a very good, kind and patient mother.
But sometimes I find with the millions of things going on in our busy lives that I become a little bit forgetful.
I have found that I have left the kettle boiling on the stove, the bath running until it flows out into the hallway, my mother waiting on the other end of the phone whilst I answer the door.
She was there for two hours!
The worst scatterbrained mistake I have made is when I left my little toddler at my daughters dancing class, we drove home and I found he wasn’t in the car seat!
Am I going crackers?
Signed What Was My Name Again?

Dear What Was Your Name Again,
It seems as though you may have lost your marbles.
Has your husband noticed that you have misplaced a couple of your children yet?
Maybe you forgot to tell him.
I think being forgetful is commonplace with most mothers as their brain is set free with the placenta.
I wouldn’t worry your empty head too much about it.
Have your address tattooed to your hand so you know where you live.
Thank you for your absentminded letter,
Dr Lottie.

Frustrated in Flannelette

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I am a happily married woman with two adorable children.
Recently, I have fallen madly in love with a younger man.
Unfortunately this younger man that I have fallen for in unattainable.
Firstly, he is in a Rock band so he has young girls throwing themselves at him day and night.
Secondly, he has a girlfriend.
Thirdly I am 42 years old and obviously not as attractive to him as the younger girls.
The other night, whilst my husband was away, he called me on my mobile, I thought that he might have been calling to speak to me and invite me out for a drink with him.
But he was only after another phone number. I was devastated.

Please Dr. Lottie, do you have any suggestions for this unrequited love?
Signed Frustrated in Flannelette.

Dear Frustrated in Flannelette,
You really have an incredibly complex problem.
Unreciprocated love is a very difficult dilemma to face.
My suggestion to you is to let him know that you care, following my suggestions, you can prove your love to him.
Find out where he lives and linger outside his house.
Take photos of him when ever possible.
Go to all of his performances and remain outside, when he appears after the show, bounce out from behind a bush and say Hi.
If he is in a limousine, lie on the hood or kiss the window.
Send him multiple text messages as you have his number in your phone.
Send him perfumed letters, emails and photos of yourself in lingerie.
You could consider starting a website dedicated to him.
You cannot be subtle in your approach; you need to let him know you exist.

Thank you for your desperate letter,
Dr Lottie.

Un-Prepared and Out-Of-Practice

Dear Dr Lottie,

I am in a very desperate position, I hope you can give me some helpful advice.
I attend a tap dancing class once a week, I love it so much, but when I try to practice at home, my hysterical kelpie goes crazy. She stands on her hind legs, yelping and leaping at me, tearing my tights and scratching my legs.

I have tried locking her outside, but she races around the garden and digs up my herbs.
I have tried locking her in another room, but she yaps and leaps at the door scratching the paintwork.

I am driven to distraction and I need to practice! Do you have any suggestions?

Signed Un-Prepared and Out-Of-Practice.

Dear Un-Prepared and Out-Of-Practice,

It sounds to me as though your psychotic dog either enjoys or detests the sound of tap dancing.
Maybe you could try fitting her out with a pair of tap shoes.

You could work up and act; I hear Silvers Circus is auditioning new acts this month.

Thank you for your neurotic letter.

Dr Lottie.

Nervous Wreck

Dear Dr Lottie,
My Tap Dancing School is getting ready for its end of year Concert. I am incredibly nervous, my hands don’t stop shaking and I have broken out in hives. What can I do?
Signed Nervous Wreck.

Dear Nervous Wreck,
No need to stress out of performing. I have an answer that will help you every step of the way with any public appearances.
I often use this if I have a tricky operation, or have to speak at a seminar on Brain Surgery.
Stop into your local Bottle shop and buy a bottle of the best Vodka, Just before you have go on stage drink half the bottle mixed with a little cranberry juice.
It works a treat for those shakes and you can finish the bottle once you come off stage.

Thank you for your timid letter,
Dr Lottie.

Waxy and Mortified

Dear Dr Lottie,
I have an excess earwax problem, every time I go to my tap dancing classes, as I get hot, my ear wax starts to melt and oozes out of my ears.
It is quite embarrassing and really messy.
Do you have any suggestions Dr. Lottie?

Signed Waxy and Mortified.

Dear Waxy and Mortified,
You have possibly the worst and most discomforting problem I have ever come across.
Could you try wearing a towel draped over your shoulders whilst dancing, this may be an effective way to collect the flow as you heat up.

Thank you for your disconcerting letter,
Dr Lottie.

Wet and Pursued

Dear Dr Lottie,
I have been practicing my tap dancing in the shower as it makes a nice slappy sound with my bare feet in the water.
The only problem is that my husband thinks that it is a mating ritual and when he hears my slappy wet feet tapping, he immediately strips off and leaps into the shower with me.
I am fearing that I am not getting enough practice and may not know my tap dancing steps well enough to dance at the end of year Explosion.
Signed Wet and Pursued.

Dear Wet and Pursued,
This truly is an interesting problem.
My advice is to try showering with your clothes on.
Thank you for your food-for-thought letter,
Dr Lottie.