Read on for more expert Advice from Dr. Lottie.

Discomforted and Hunted

Dear Dr. Lottie,
Last Friday I hurt my back trying to move a dressing table by myself.
The dresser was in an awkward spot and I twisted my back as I lifted it.
Over the weekend my back has increasingly worsened and now I can’t move out of a horizontal position, I have lain flat on my back in bed for two days now.

Unfortunately for me, my husband finds this incredibly arousing, instead of looking after me and letting me rest so that I can get better, he is completely stimulated.
I am not sure how to handle this situation as I am in too much pain to push him away.
Do you have some advice Dr. Lottie?
Signed Discomforted and Hunted.

Dear Discomforted and Hunted, Firstly, what in the dickens were you thinking when trying to lift a dressing table by yourself and did you not bend from the knees?
Apart from the people of today being too soft, they are also, too unthinking. I have no sympathy for you.

As for your husband pursuing you whilst you are flat on your back, I say good luck to him and to get jiggy with it while he can. The Professor is always running from bedroom with a headache and it drives me to distraction.

Thank you for your susceptible letter.
Dr Lottie.

Itchy and Irritated

Dear Dr Lottie,
I have a continuing problem that maybe you could help me with.
Each time I go to my Tap Dancing class, my feet itch, it drives me to distraction and I cant concentrate on my new steps.
Do you have any expert advice?
Signed Itchy and Irritated.

Dear Itchy and Irritated,
Why don’t you just scratch them?
Thank you for your dissatisfying letter.
Dr Lottie.

Angst-Ridden and Agitated

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I am moving my family into a new house this week and I have spent the last month sorting though, packing up, chucking out and boxing up my family’s possessions.
The moving van is on its way, but now I am having second thoughts. What if I don’t like the house? I only saw it once. What if my husband and I don’t like each other after we move in?
I already have plans to lock him in the bathroom before we leave. Have made the wrong decision?
Signed Angst-Ridden and Agitated.

Dear Angst-Ridden and Agitated, I feel you have undergone a lot of stress and turmoil over the past month.
Research has shown that moving house is one of the most stressful life events a family can go through, alongside the level of stress when going through divorce and death.
Last minute fears and doubts can crowd your mind and fill you with hesitation about your decision to move.
My suggestion to you is to put together all the boxes that essentially belong to you, lock all of your family in the bathroom and take off with the removalist.
Thank you for your disturbing letter. Dr. Lottie.

Clunky and Shamed

Dear Dr. Lottie,
I suffer from a problem, which is known to many as “Knocked Knees”.
Having been born with this problem I am have made adjustments to my life and resigned to the fact that I can never wear mini skirts.
But since joining my new Tap Dancing class, I find that when I dance, my knees clunk together.
My teacher is forever yelling at me, telling me to pick up my feet, to stop being so lazy as she thinks that the extra clamor is coming from my feet.
Please Dr. Lottie, do you have any suggestions to this unfortunate problem I am facing?

Signed Clunky and Shamed

Dear Clunky and Shamed,
This is a highly ill-fated dilemma.
My suggestion to you is to wear the shortest mini skirt you can lay your hands and knees upon and wear it to you next Tap Dancing class.
Bravely show off your phenomenal defect, hopefully your Tap Dancing teacher will notice where the noise is emanating from and get off your case.
Alternatively you could give up Tap Dancing altogether.

Thank you for your clattering letter.
Dr Lottie.

Old and Decrepit

Dear Dr Lottie, I have just turned 40 and feel as old as the hills.
Do you have any tips for turning back the hands of time?

Signed Old and Decrepit.

Dear Old and Decrepit, Yes 40 is really old, I mean really really really, really old, I don’t think there is much hope for you now.
It might be worth trying to get yourself onto one of those reality extreme makeover shows they have on TV these days. At least they will be able to make you look a bit more attractive.
It is all down hill from now on.
Thank you for your depressing letter, Dr Lottie.

Black and Blue

Dear Dr. Lottie,
On Saturday I participated in a dance class called “Tap Boot Camp”, it was fabulous, the class was really hard work and a slightly different style to what I learn with my not-so-normal teacher.
I was really getting into the steps, but I accidentally smashed one of my tap shoes into the ankle of my other foot. I find this happens often and my ankles are always covered in bruises.
Is there anything I can do to prevent such a painful outcome to such a pleasurable pastime?

Signed Black and Blue.

Dear Black and Blue,
You are experiencing a disease that is commonly known as “Tanglefoot”.
This is a widespread Disease and is frequented by people who are extremely uncoordinated.
There are a couple of ways to prevent this disorder of bruising to the ankle.
Primarily you could give up your Tap dancing classes.
Secondarily, you could bend one leg at the knee and strap it to the back of your thigh, dance the class on one leg.
This could become a tiring for the leg that is being used, so I suggest swapping legs when the first leg starts to feel weak.

Thank you for your clumsy letter,
Dr Lottie.

Hysterical and Hallucinogenic

Dear Dr Lottie,

I wonder if you may have some expert advice for me.
I seem to be in a flurry every second of the day, rushing here, rushing there, sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I look like the Tasmanian Devil on a Bugs Bunny Cartoon.
My mind a race, my jaw is clenched, my teeth grind and my left eye constantly has an infuriating flitter.
Is there something I can do to help with my intense madness?

Signed Hysterical and Hallucinogenic.

Dear Hysterical and Hallucinogenic,

It seems to me that you are living life in the fast lane.
Do you drink a lot of coffee?
I have heard there is a very relaxing drink call “Red Bull” maybe you should try substituting this for your daily intake of caffeine.
Stay clear of the mirror and all will be sunny.
Thank you for your manic letter.

Dr Lottie.

Erroneous and Illusive

Dear Dr Lottie,
I feeling incredibly frazzled and quite panicked this week I and I hope that you can help me.
I have recently joined a dancing school and to be part of their “Inner Sanctum” “The Fashionable Clique” “The In Crowd” you need to have your tap shoes “Glitterized”, which will be carried out this coming Saturday at their ritualistic “Glitterization Day”.
I spent a few precious moments requesting expert advice on colour choices for green tap shoes with “The Glamour Guru” “The Tapping Top Dog ” “The Sparkling Sufi” and her prestigious Highness-ness-ness waved her incense and murmured “For glamorous green glittery tap shoes you need Key Lime and Lemon”.
With that, I rushed all over Melbourne from one shop to another desperately searching for the mystical Key Lime and Lemon.
Every fruit shop I have asked at have never heard of Key Lime. Luckily I have a Lemon tree and have carefully selected the most perfect Lemon from its bows.

But now I am insane with despair as I am at a loss with this thing called Key Lime.
Dr. Lottie what can I do?
Signed Erroneous and Illusive.

Dear Erroneous and Illusive,
Get a grip on yourself you are obviously in a lather over an issue that is so incredibly unimportant in the scheme of things.
If you had been in a tranquil state of mind and paid attention to your “Sparkling Sufi’s” “guidance” you might have heard correctly. Your so-called “Glamour Guru” was obviously talking about the colour of the glitter you needed to purchase, not some sacred, majestic fruit!
Thank you for your irrational letter.
Dr Lottie.

Freaked out and Fretting

Dear Dr Lottie,
I have an end of year concert coming up with my dancing school and I am starting to feel extremely nervous about it all.
The fact is, that on Monday I have to give a lecture in front of 700 people which doesn’t phase me in the slightest, but dancing at the concert is freaking me out!
What can I do to help with my nervousness?
Signed Freaked out and Fretting.

Dear Freaked out and Fretting,
Most performers get nervous prior to opening night.
Nerves are a good thing.
They give you diarrhea and help you lose weight!
Thank you for your self-deprecating letter.
Dr Lottie.

Vexed and Upset

Dear Dr Lottie,
My Husband has been overseas for number of weeks and my stress levels seem ever increasingly escalating, in fact maniacal.
Do you have any advice for an anxious, stressed, hassled, strained and worried mother?
Signed Vexed and Upset.

Dear Vexed and Upset,
I am sure you must have some semi maniacal traits to begin with. It couldn’t be because your husband is away. You are giving far too much credit to your husband.
My advice is to get on with it and stop wallowing in your own self pity.
Thank you for your unfortunate letter.
Dr Lottie.

Dr. Lottie Relaxing.